Lower your Eyelids to Die with the Sun
December 3, 2008 at 2:57 am (The Present: Chapter 3) (biology, chemistry, christmas break, classes, college, dental school, depression, dreams, grades, happiness, jobs, life, love, medical school, sickness, studying, the future, unemployment)
I’ve studied about all I can. I figured I’d write some more before I went to bed.
The semester ends in two weeks. Exactly two weeks from now, I’ll have all my things packed and will probably be asleep, awaiting my flight back home with a bittersweet eagerness. I’m so done with this semester. I’ve (thus far) managed to get all A’s except for one of my classes. Unfortunately, it was probably the most important class that I managed this B in. My professor is such a witch.
This imperfection has been the cause of much dissatisfaction. I need all A’s from now on out… I need them. This is not about “Oh it would be nice if the GPA on my transcript were a tenth of a point higher.” It’s about “If I don’t do as well as possible on all of my classes from now on, I’ll have to decide on something other than med school once I graduate.
Why do I feel as though I need this so much? Why do I feel as though I could never be happy if I didn’t make it? Plenty of people try to get into med schools and fail, then go on to lead perfectly happy lives. Perhaps I feel as though this is where I need to be. It’s like a dream where you’re chasing your friends, yet no matter how hard you run or how much you scream, your legs simply won’t take you as fast as they are going, and your voice simply won’t carry far enough for them to hear you and help you catch up.
I think I need to do something great. At least, that is how I feel. To be excluded from the world of scientific journals and clinical trials seems like the road leading in the opposite direction of what I want to do with my life.
But I have to consider all the alternatives.
If I don’t make it, where will I go? I refuse to remain stranded.
What can I do with a biology major/chemistry minor that doesn’t involve medical school? Dental school, perhaps? Maybe I should try and be an author. I can write well…
Lately I’ve been in a state between depression and happiness. Not quite satisfied with life, yet not quite dissatisfied. I wish I had a job. Unfortunately, now’s not a good time to be unemployed and looking for one, especially when you’ve got little experience in the industry you’re applying to.
…I feel as though I should be studying all night tonight. If only I weren’t so sick.
Elephant
December 3, 2008 at 12:55 am (The Present: Chapter 3) (cold, crying, death, dreams, love, nightmares, sickness, studying)
Well, I’m sick. Bleh. I’ve got a cold or something.
I had a funny dream last night, in which my significant other was shot. I cried hard, and prayed over and over again that it was just a dream… The last thing I remember hearing were the sound of ambulance and police sirens approaching, and then I awoke. This was the first nightmare I’ve had in a long time.
I always have the strangest, most vivid dreams when I’m sick.
As much as I’d love to write more, I’ve got to run. I’ve got more studying to do tonight.
The face that awaits when I close my eyes
December 10, 2007 at 2:10 am (The Present: Chapter 1) (blood, control, cutting, depression, doubt, fear, good, incompetence, rationality, relationships, studying, voices in my head)
The voice has returned. It says it wants to help me… I don’t believe it. But is this really the same voice? Or perhaps I’ve taken it’s old place and this voice I’m hearing now is the voice of what’s good in me? It’s telling me I’m childish for doing this to myself. I think it might be right. I told it to help me find out why I’m feeling this way, so we can fix it.
So far it hasn’t helped very much.
I was scared tonight. Apparently I’m getting better with this blade. A tinge of fear gripped me as I saw my skin part beneath its edge, showing me deeper than I’ve seen yet. “Perhaps I’ve gone too far,” I said in a moment of fear. But that’s what this is about, isn’t it? Proving to yourself that you’re not scared, and that you’re in control? Damn. Still not doing this right, are you Jordan?
I think I’m wrong. Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps this is rationality returning to me… Maybe I’ve found a room in these ruins that light can penetrate? How long can I stay here?
It keeps dripping onto this desk in front of me… Funny, I thought blood was more transparent than that. It’s time to clean this up though…
I think I’m going to need to buy some gauze.
…I’m not sure if I can go a day without seeing this friend of mine. I decided I needed to take a walk down to a nearby gas station just for an excuse to invite this person.
I really should’ve waited until after I was done studying to do all this. Now I’m going to be up all night… What the hell’s wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself? *sigh*
