A Three-Legged Workhorse
I suck at keeping a blog.
So much has happened since I’ve started this. I’ve ended a relationship… started a new one… become engaged… graduated college… Changed the entire course of my life, even.
So much has happeend.
I am Jordan… you will never know me…
…On Tracks of Never-Ending Light
Taking a nap today (my very, very easy day of the week, Tuesday/Thursday… Only one class at 9 and then I’m out!), I gave lucid dreaming a shot again. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it like I used to, though I didn’t quite make it all the way into REM. I could see the images in front of me, taunting me, eluding me like a playful schoolchild on the first warm day after a long winter… I reached out with my consciousness, the feeble arms granted to my budding dream body, yet I could not reach far enough. Soon the scene faded into black. Strange, random shapes burned into my retina, as I felt my equilibrium twist and tumble. Soon the familiar tightness in my chest and the emptiness in my lungs faded away, and I slipped gently back into the couch I had laid on. I was so close, just one breath away…
I was still tired after this so I just went back to sleep in the regular way. I dreamed strange dreams as though I was attending a different college, but with the same faces there. My mom was even working there, which I thought was funny. Excuse the random paragraph…
I later was in some kind of department store, presumably Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby, when I ran into my ex. Breaking through the awkwardness, perhaps knowing deep in my gut that this was only a dream, we spoke. My ex told me that there was nothing to worry about… that they were over me, and that there were no feelings of bitterness or hatred left behind. Though true, my ex began to shed tears through these words. So did I.
I wept, harder and more passionately than I have in a long, long time in my dreams.
In waking life, I haven’t been moved all the way to tears since I was 8 (though there have been time where I’ve been close).
I held my ex tightly, and whispered “I’m so sorry” over and over and over again.
I don’t remember much else of the dream… there was something about stunt driving and a car wreck, but it’s just fragments in my mind now.
…It’s funny. For a while now, I’ve been crying in just about every dream I’ve had and can remember.
Perhaps my body’s telling me that it needs to try it in waking life.
Just once.
Around the Fireplace
Well, I’m back. Too bad my home doesn’t have power. We’ve got a generator though, so it’s not so bad. At least I can shower… And, obviously, I have internet access.
My ex removed me as a facebook friend recently… I’m not sure exactly when, but I was reading their updates just a few weeks ago… so, it can’t have been that long since then.
I’m… not sure how I feel about it. One one hand, I can understand… We barely talk since we’ve broken up and I’m sure my ex is tired of receiving updates about me and my current interest. It’s interesting that several other friends have removed me as well. Call these dynamics silly politics if you will, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I don’t recall the pain I’ve caused this person. Though I still don’t regret my actions, I do still care about this person tremendously. As for the other friends who have removed me, I have other, much better friends than them. I’m growing tired of the drama around here anyway.
On top of this, I heard that there may be someone else involved now. Honestly, I sincerely hope so… I hope my ex finds that perfect someone, and soon… I think they could use it.
I don’t know. I suppose I am disappointed that a friendship couldn’t work out between us. Though, I cannot say that I’m surprised.
One of my other friends broke up with her boyfriend, recently. Now they are both dating other people… I’ve heard that the guy she’s dating isn’t such a great person, and it’s wearing on her.
It’s funny, the directions in which people change sometimes.
Myself included, I suppose.
I haven’t cut yet. I think I may be afraid to. In a sense I feel as though I have to be there emotionally for my family right now, as money is short and we haven’t had power for over a week now. Family bonds are funny, too. I’ve never (and still don’t) consider myself to be close to my family, yet I feel a sense of responsibility about them.
*sigh* I hope we get power soon. I need a true vacation right now.
On a good note, I managed to get all A’s this semester, despite one of my teachers being a bitch! Yay!
Suspended in a Sunbeam
Sometimes I find myself lost in these moments, thinking about my life. Not about anything in particular, just… my life.
So often we view our lives as fragile and meaningless. We see ourselves as temporal… impermanent, finite beings with little purpose outside of sustaining ourselves and those our minds have connected us to. “Why are we here? What good are we,” we ask ourselves, “that we should be gifted — or perhaps cursed — with the burden of life?”
It is moments such as these that I find myself on the outside, looking in. I feel as though I can see the stage of the earth as it twists upon its axis and dances within its orbit. The actors which populate this theater are us members of the human race. God sits in place of the sun, watching the dramatic improvisation unfold.
I see the strings of each man and woman, connected not the hands of some demented puppeteer, but to each other. For a moment I can see every action and every reaction caused by the pushing and pulling — the tightening and loosing — of each of these strings. I watch downwards to see these billions of actors sitting upon this crowded stage as they bump and struggle to stay on, to reach the center, to climb to the top, knocking and bumping fellow men and women off this stage as each presses inward. I look within and I see myself, fighting this same fight, still holding my own. Still hanging on, sometimes by several threads. Sometimes by just one.
I reach down and scream a voiceless cry to myself, beckoning that my body should join my mind here in the audience. We could watch together, in peace.
I weep for my own blood. I feel as though it is trapped within me. I must release it from its tomb, lest it wither away and speak to me no more.
I want to cut. But, I can’t. I still find occasions to wear clothes with short sleeves.
I am too controlled by the opinions of my peers… far too controlled. Perhaps contained is a more appropriate word…
…I’m not sick anymore. Except for this cough and the grossness in my throat. Ick.
I can’t believe I cheated on the one I love…
Again, the Light
Happy Thanksgiving! Though somewhat belated…
I’ve been drawing a lot, lately. It’s not that I’ve been bored, far from it. I’m staying over my significant other’s house for the weekend, until Sunday night. It seems as though I’ve a thought in my head, one which has taken shape without words and is wanting to escape. I suppose I’m trying to set it free, yet nothing I’ve drawn so far has done it.
Perhaps I should just go to bed and forget about it. Maybe I should read a book or play a game by myself…
I don’t know. Perhaps I’m slipping again. Amidst the comfort of this home and the warmth of my partner’s arms, I have unwittingly managed to feel lonesome. In these moments, I wish to disconnect myself from everyone around me. I wish to gather my things and say goodbye for good. “You thought you were a part of their lives,” my mind tells me, “but you never truly were, nor will you ever be. Loneliness is your calling, Jordan. Your destiny.”
Yet I must maintain this calm composure. I can’t give away these thoughts.
I guess I’m not as rational and level-headed as I’d like others to believe.
It’s been a while since the incident with my other friend. I feel as though I’ve just cheated on a test I forgot to study for, got an A, and gotten away with it right beneath the teacher’s eyes. I feel strangely free, yet unmistakeably empty. I’ve awoken from my dream standing alone in a familiar desert, endless on all sides; silent, save for the wind. I feel unworthy of life, yet I wish too strongly to continue living this lie, the lie that everything is fine, that I’m this wonderful person who’s so in love.
But it isn’t a lie… no. I am so in love. It was just a mistake.
I feel as though I write here in place of speaking to myself verbally, saving myself the trouble of sounding like a schizophrenic.
Funny though. When I was younger, in the midst of more trying times, I always wondered when I would snap and lose what frail sanity I had clung to.
…I am finished. Goodbye for now.
Schism
Well, I’m over the initial trauma of what happened a couple nights ago. If you could call it trauma… I suppose it was my own fault. Then again, it takes two, doesn’t it?
My mind is as a tornado, throwing debris and junk into all my vision perceives, tearing things apart, grinding away at the luster that had begun to catch my eye. Behind me, the dust seems to settle, leaving ruin and withered life.
The guilt comes in waves. Am I sad, angered, betrayed that a trusted friend would be in that situation with me? How could I be? I am filled with fear of this side of me, something which seems to have been spreading its malignant roots through my subconscious for far too long. I am filled with a sense of urgency, for I no longer see myself as a good person. I keep telling myself “You’re not like that… that’s not you. You’re not that kind of person.” But perhaps I am? Were I truly not, I wouldn’t be in this state of conflict.
I truly believed that I was better than that, that I had a stronger respect for love than that.
But should I really be surprised at my own humanity? I like to think I know the different sides I call “me.” I’ve long recognized a darkness in me, yet I seem to have severely underestimated its pervasiveness. This evil has penetrated its fingers deep into the core of who I am, to clench its grip upon the stripping of my inhibitions.
Now that I am aware at the extent of this side of me — manipulatively evil, filled with a sadistic disregard for the well-being of those I hold dear, and fueled by a blackened human nature — I am set to face a new battle. Long ago I had resolved to never let my fears control me again, to never let these things prevent me from doing what I feel is right.
Yet something within me wants to embrace this. A part of me finds release within the atrophy.
I won’t tell.
But, “to never let these things prevent me from doing what I feel is right”… Perhaps I should face this fear of losing what I’ve grown to love the most? Everything has a consequence, right? Shall I forfeit nature and elect to save myself from consequence this time?
Listen to me. I sound so over-dramatic.
I talked with the person I cheated with last night. We agree that it was a terrible mistake and have both vowed to never tell a soul. At least, not without making it a mutual decision first.
I have far too many secrets. I fear that they shall one day alienate me.
Since I’ve stopped, I have never wanted more to cut myself than I do now. A growing part of me feels as though I deserve it.
Child Song
Small posts, Jordan. Short, small posts. That’ll get you going on this thing again.
Well, the past few… several… well, many months have been good overall.
Pros:
I’m with someone I love and who loves me back
I’m still alive
I haven’t been cutting myself
My GPA is going up
However, things have not been sunny and perfect as of late!
Cons:
I’m still struggling to find a healthcare job
My grades have been suffering lately, within the past month or two, with no identifiable cause
Overall, it’s been good.
Real good.
Too good?
Nah.
That’s it for tonight. I’ve still got much studying to do!
Radiology
Today marks the second day of my 21-ness. Good for me!
I finally spoke to my ex today… It was somewhat of an accident, too. I sat down to eat dinner and suddenly I could swear I hear someone saying “Hello? Hello?” It seemed far away at first but then I realized that it was coming from my cell phone in my pocket… I had apparently sat on the send button and the phone redialed the last number I had called (I had attempted to call earlier in the day but didn’t get an answer).
Conversation wasn’t awkward, but it was quite emotional. We talked about how each of us had been doing since the breakup, what was new, that sort of thing… Suddenly while I was talking, I hear the sound of crying over the phone. My heart sunk… I began to feel sick.
After we hung up, every doubt I had ever had about deciding to end our relationship hit me at once… I remembered every happy moment we shared, every time we’d laughed together, every good thing we had going. For the first time since before we had even spoke about it, I felt a severe sense of doubt in my decision to end us. I wanted so badly to say “Just wait, just wait, I’ll be back in the summer and everything will be alright…” I wanted to make those tears stop so badly, because I knew they were because of me, because of what I decided.
I can always fix my relationships… But I can’t fix this, I can’t fix it because I know it needed to be broken.
The hardest thing is just standing back letting time do what I know will be best for both of us.
