A Three-Legged Workhorse
I suck at keeping a blog.
So much has happened since I’ve started this. I’ve ended a relationship… started a new one… become engaged… graduated college… Changed the entire course of my life, even.
So much has happeend.
I am Jordan… you will never know me…
I want…
…something different.
Just in general.
My relationship is fine, I’m not talking about that.
I just want something… more. I feel as though I’m wandering about in some sort of dream world, wishing for a dream sign.
I pray for lucidity…
Just nothing…
It feels like a long time since I’ve written anything.
I’m not sure what’s possessed me to write tonight… perhaps it’s the alcohol in my blood.
I know it’s only been a couple posts since I’ve posted while I was intoxicated, but look at the dates — it’s been that long since I’ve drank anything.
Hmm… and I have classes tomorrow. I haven’t had that much… I hope I’ll be ok.
Lucid dreaming. Are you familiar with it? I’ve been talking with my significant other’s sister about it lately… She’s gotten into it too. I’m not sure she’s into it as much as I am, but I have my suspicions. She’s been keeping a dream journal of sorts… Her pleasant dreams she writes down, and her nightmares she illustrates. She’s quite the talented artists, so I hope I have the chance to see some of her dream-inspired works someday.
In any case… life is good right now. Yet, I can’t help but feel that the tides of change are coming soon.
Perhaps it’s just the ethanol speaking, though…
I feel like drawing, too. It’s unfortunate that I can’t link to my DeviantArt profile from here. No, that would expose my identity. I can’t have that. I’m not too bad of an artist myself… although I’ve been without my Wacom pen for almost a year, now. My Intuos3 has been sitting in my bookshelf for that long, just begging for me to replace its pen.
I got my tax return recently… If I can manage it, perhaps I will.’
Anyway… I’m done. I apologize for the poor quality of my posts lately. I seem to be pretty boring…
It’s been nice out, lately. Hopefully I’ll get enogh sun before my class trip at the end of the semester.
Kiri
¡Estoy aprendiendo español! Pero no soy muy bueno en eso todavía…
Okay so maybe I used Google translation to help me out with those sentences…
In any case, I managed to get a hold of the most recent version of Rosetta Stone and the Latin American Spanish packs. I’m not very far yet, but I’m excited to be! I’ve started practicing rolling my “rr”’s too. I can get it a little, but it doesn’t sound right… I hope I’m not doing it wrong accidentally? Nah I’m sure it’ll just take some practice to get it to sound right.
…I’ve come a long way, haven’t I?
Were it only that I didn’t still feel so different from everyone else around me. What’s so special about me, anyway? Nothing…
Perhaps I want to be?
Burial on the Presidio Banks
I remember a time where the only thing that consumed my thoughts was death… that I should die, be slain by some tragic misfortune — the sapling of an oak, cut short far from its time; long before it was ever given the chance to blossom and grow into a mighty figure, lifting its limbs high into the sky, stretching its leaves wide… well, oaks don’t have wide leaves but that’s beside the point.
I’ve come a long way since those days. I don’t wish such a fate upon myself anymore… I want to live, to love, to see the world, to marry and have children, to teach them and give them wonderful lives and be a wonderful parent, avoiding the same mistakes my parents made with me…
After I came to the conclusion I wouldn’t kill myself, I began to wonder, in those tortuous, scarring moments, how much more my mind could take. When would I break? When would I lose myself to the bitterness and anger which flowed in place of blood through my veins?
Again I wished for death. Not for myself, but for those around me… no, it wasn’t death I wished for, it was pain. I wanted them to know just how they made me feel… How else, though could I grant them this understanding? I figured I’d have to do something drastic, impulsive, in a frenzied state of mind when sanity had lost its value. I wanted so badly to lash out, to let the red in my vision be all there was between these hands which thirsted for blood and them…
Then years passed. Things got better.
But we humans, we never truly forget, do we? I still feel this beast, caged, tombed beneath the sands of my past.
But don’t worry. Every now and then it just likes to rattle its cage a bit… those bars will hold.
That doesn’t explain this useless rant. My apologies… goodbye.
Elephant
So. I’m back.
Quick update… I managed to survive Christmas break with only 2 new cuts on my arm. Seems that was all I needed to release whatever was in me at the time that needed to come out. I’m back at college for my last semester now, and am taking my MCAT prep course. Easiest semester I’ve had by far… so far. It’s going well, but I desperately need motivation to study outside the course… my organic chemistry skills are severely lacking.
I just had the sudden urge to update… I’ve had probably the equivalent of 8-9 shots of rum and have 4 snus in my mouth right now. Feels fucking wonderful… had I only someone to share the moment with.
I just hope this doesn’t carry over to tomorrow. I’ve got class in the morning.
…I think I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll have some more rum.
Heh. I hope my SO never finds this blog.
That’s all for tonight.
Around the Fireplace
Well, I’m back. Too bad my home doesn’t have power. We’ve got a generator though, so it’s not so bad. At least I can shower… And, obviously, I have internet access.
My ex removed me as a facebook friend recently… I’m not sure exactly when, but I was reading their updates just a few weeks ago… so, it can’t have been that long since then.
I’m… not sure how I feel about it. One one hand, I can understand… We barely talk since we’ve broken up and I’m sure my ex is tired of receiving updates about me and my current interest. It’s interesting that several other friends have removed me as well. Call these dynamics silly politics if you will, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I don’t recall the pain I’ve caused this person. Though I still don’t regret my actions, I do still care about this person tremendously. As for the other friends who have removed me, I have other, much better friends than them. I’m growing tired of the drama around here anyway.
On top of this, I heard that there may be someone else involved now. Honestly, I sincerely hope so… I hope my ex finds that perfect someone, and soon… I think they could use it.
I don’t know. I suppose I am disappointed that a friendship couldn’t work out between us. Though, I cannot say that I’m surprised.
One of my other friends broke up with her boyfriend, recently. Now they are both dating other people… I’ve heard that the guy she’s dating isn’t such a great person, and it’s wearing on her.
It’s funny, the directions in which people change sometimes.
Myself included, I suppose.
I haven’t cut yet. I think I may be afraid to. In a sense I feel as though I have to be there emotionally for my family right now, as money is short and we haven’t had power for over a week now. Family bonds are funny, too. I’ve never (and still don’t) consider myself to be close to my family, yet I feel a sense of responsibility about them.
*sigh* I hope we get power soon. I need a true vacation right now.
On a good note, I managed to get all A’s this semester, despite one of my teachers being a bitch! Yay!
Suspended in a Sunbeam
Sometimes I find myself lost in these moments, thinking about my life. Not about anything in particular, just… my life.
So often we view our lives as fragile and meaningless. We see ourselves as temporal… impermanent, finite beings with little purpose outside of sustaining ourselves and those our minds have connected us to. “Why are we here? What good are we,” we ask ourselves, “that we should be gifted — or perhaps cursed — with the burden of life?”
It is moments such as these that I find myself on the outside, looking in. I feel as though I can see the stage of the earth as it twists upon its axis and dances within its orbit. The actors which populate this theater are us members of the human race. God sits in place of the sun, watching the dramatic improvisation unfold.
I see the strings of each man and woman, connected not the hands of some demented puppeteer, but to each other. For a moment I can see every action and every reaction caused by the pushing and pulling — the tightening and loosing — of each of these strings. I watch downwards to see these billions of actors sitting upon this crowded stage as they bump and struggle to stay on, to reach the center, to climb to the top, knocking and bumping fellow men and women off this stage as each presses inward. I look within and I see myself, fighting this same fight, still holding my own. Still hanging on, sometimes by several threads. Sometimes by just one.
I reach down and scream a voiceless cry to myself, beckoning that my body should join my mind here in the audience. We could watch together, in peace.
I weep for my own blood. I feel as though it is trapped within me. I must release it from its tomb, lest it wither away and speak to me no more.
I want to cut. But, I can’t. I still find occasions to wear clothes with short sleeves.
I am too controlled by the opinions of my peers… far too controlled. Perhaps contained is a more appropriate word…
…I’m not sick anymore. Except for this cough and the grossness in my throat. Ick.
I can’t believe I cheated on the one I love…
Again, the Light
Happy Thanksgiving! Though somewhat belated…
I’ve been drawing a lot, lately. It’s not that I’ve been bored, far from it. I’m staying over my significant other’s house for the weekend, until Sunday night. It seems as though I’ve a thought in my head, one which has taken shape without words and is wanting to escape. I suppose I’m trying to set it free, yet nothing I’ve drawn so far has done it.
Perhaps I should just go to bed and forget about it. Maybe I should read a book or play a game by myself…
I don’t know. Perhaps I’m slipping again. Amidst the comfort of this home and the warmth of my partner’s arms, I have unwittingly managed to feel lonesome. In these moments, I wish to disconnect myself from everyone around me. I wish to gather my things and say goodbye for good. “You thought you were a part of their lives,” my mind tells me, “but you never truly were, nor will you ever be. Loneliness is your calling, Jordan. Your destiny.”
Yet I must maintain this calm composure. I can’t give away these thoughts.
I guess I’m not as rational and level-headed as I’d like others to believe.
It’s been a while since the incident with my other friend. I feel as though I’ve just cheated on a test I forgot to study for, got an A, and gotten away with it right beneath the teacher’s eyes. I feel strangely free, yet unmistakeably empty. I’ve awoken from my dream standing alone in a familiar desert, endless on all sides; silent, save for the wind. I feel unworthy of life, yet I wish too strongly to continue living this lie, the lie that everything is fine, that I’m this wonderful person who’s so in love.
But it isn’t a lie… no. I am so in love. It was just a mistake.
I feel as though I write here in place of speaking to myself verbally, saving myself the trouble of sounding like a schizophrenic.
Funny though. When I was younger, in the midst of more trying times, I always wondered when I would snap and lose what frail sanity I had clung to.
…I am finished. Goodbye for now.
