Lower your Eyelids to Die with the Sun
December 3, 2008 at 2:57 am (The Present: Chapter 3) (biology, chemistry, christmas break, classes, college, dental school, depression, dreams, grades, happiness, jobs, life, love, medical school, sickness, studying, the future, unemployment)
I’ve studied about all I can. I figured I’d write some more before I went to bed.
The semester ends in two weeks. Exactly two weeks from now, I’ll have all my things packed and will probably be asleep, awaiting my flight back home with a bittersweet eagerness. I’m so done with this semester. I’ve (thus far) managed to get all A’s except for one of my classes. Unfortunately, it was probably the most important class that I managed this B in. My professor is such a witch.
This imperfection has been the cause of much dissatisfaction. I need all A’s from now on out… I need them. This is not about “Oh it would be nice if the GPA on my transcript were a tenth of a point higher.” It’s about “If I don’t do as well as possible on all of my classes from now on, I’ll have to decide on something other than med school once I graduate.
Why do I feel as though I need this so much? Why do I feel as though I could never be happy if I didn’t make it? Plenty of people try to get into med schools and fail, then go on to lead perfectly happy lives. Perhaps I feel as though this is where I need to be. It’s like a dream where you’re chasing your friends, yet no matter how hard you run or how much you scream, your legs simply won’t take you as fast as they are going, and your voice simply won’t carry far enough for them to hear you and help you catch up.
I think I need to do something great. At least, that is how I feel. To be excluded from the world of scientific journals and clinical trials seems like the road leading in the opposite direction of what I want to do with my life.
But I have to consider all the alternatives.
If I don’t make it, where will I go? I refuse to remain stranded.
What can I do with a biology major/chemistry minor that doesn’t involve medical school? Dental school, perhaps? Maybe I should try and be an author. I can write well…
Lately I’ve been in a state between depression and happiness. Not quite satisfied with life, yet not quite dissatisfied. I wish I had a job. Unfortunately, now’s not a good time to be unemployed and looking for one, especially when you’ve got little experience in the industry you’re applying to.
…I feel as though I should be studying all night tonight. If only I weren’t so sick.
Child Song
November 10, 2008 at 2:21 am (The Present: Chapter 3) (college, cutting, jobs, life, love, relationships, returning)
Small posts, Jordan. Short, small posts. That’ll get you going on this thing again.
Well, the past few… several… well, many months have been good overall.
Pros:
I’m with someone I love and who loves me back
I’m still alive
I haven’t been cutting myself
My GPA is going up
However, things have not been sunny and perfect as of late!
Cons:
I’m still struggling to find a healthcare job
My grades have been suffering lately, within the past month or two, with no identifiable cause
Overall, it’s been good.
Real good.
Too good?
Nah.
That’s it for tonight. I’ve still got much studying to do!
Thoughts like sand, sifting through a child’s hands
December 13, 2007 at 8:42 pm (The Present: Chapter 1) (relationships, who is jordan?, life, friends, random, radiata stories, gauze, jobs, christmas, meteor showers, disappointment, communication, video games)
Radiata Stories! One of my favorite games! My friend and I went out and bought it the other day. I’ve got a lot more time tonight than I thought I’d have, and my tests tomorrow aren’t going to be that difficult. So, I’m starting a new game tonight. So much fun!
I like to tease people. It’s sort of how I communicate that I like them. As you can imagine, many people don’t take this the right way and confuse my sarcasm for seriousness. Also I think it sort of wears on people from time to time, even if they know I’m just joking with them. I think I’m starting to wear on this friend of mine.
I suppose that means that it’s simply time to be especially nice! I’ve lost friends this way before, but this is one I’m determined not to lose.
Hmm, “friends”… Why does life have to be so complicated?
Tonight was unfortunate. I was excited about watching the meteor shower, but it’s far too cloudy. Wouldn’t be able to see a thing! I love meteor showers. Each meteor is like a brush stroke, painting a masterpiece.
Five days until I return home. At the beginning of the summer, I knew in my heart that something big involving my relationship was going to happen this year, whether good or bad… So far, nothing particularly good has happened.
I suppose this is it, then?
I need a job. Hopefully the hospital will be hiring. Speaking of hospitals, I bought some gauze yesterday, so…
So many random thoughts tonight.
