Cosmic Call
It’s over. I’m done. I’ve no desire to cut myself anymore. We’re almost together now… We’ve captured each others’ hearts.
Everything’s going so well…
Had I only not been forced to break a heart to get here…
I pray for lucidity if this is merely an elaborate dream.
Cause baby I’m not all right when you go, I’m not fine
So what now? With what words does this new chapter of my life open?
I am currently in a mix of emotions. On one side, I’m not over it. I still feel terrible. I space out and sadden at thoughts of my ex. I can’t believe how much I’ve hurt this person whom I once loved. I want so badly to talk to my ex right now, just to see what’s going on, how we’re each dealing with this, and if we’re both feeling the same way right now. I want to know what we have both been up to — I know I’ve managed to keep busy, trying to keep my mind off this whole incident while I do some coping of my own… but what about my ex?
On the other side, I’m ready to move on. Granted I’ve had the chance to give this a whole lot more thought and time to let it sink in than my ex has… it feels like I’m getting over this rather quickly. One might say “Of course you are Jordan, you’re the one who ended the relationship.” My reply would be that when you’ve loved someone for over four years, no matter what the situation, it will still hurt at the end.
The bottom line is that I believe I’m doing the right thing. Though it hurts a whole lot, I believe that it’s for the best for both of us in the long run. The more time that passes between then and now, the more I think that this uneasy, unsure pain that grips my heart is simply my compassion for the heart I’ve had to break.
I do realize that believing in something doesn’t make it the truth. Perhaps I am wrong… I’d be willing to admit it if I started to see this situation from a different angle, and came to that realization. Then what would I do? Well, I’d do what’s right — try and get back together with my ex.
In any case… here I am now. Single.
It’s almost like having a birthday… I don’t feel single yet. Funny how that works.
I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone else for a while.
As for my college “friend”… Who knows. My whole life seems to change each time I go to and from that place. We’ll just have to wait and see.
…Notice how all the titles to my posts are lyrics from songs? That’s intentional.
I will lie awake
It’s over.
If God’s going to tell me that I’m making a horrible mistake, now would be a great time for him to do so.
What happened? We met after work and went to Denny’s (it was the only place open this late at night). Conversation was light at first, but then we got on the topic of our relationship. I decided we had grown too far apart… Unfortunately, my feelings and my ultimate decision were not shared.
It’s funny… Just the other night I thought everything would be ok, everything would be mutual, but it was anything but that tonight. It was mature, but very emotional. I didn’t want to leave without being able to answer any questions, but there were so many things I just couldn’t explain. Guess I forgot for a while what life is really like.
This was the single hardest decision of my life… this was the one of saddest days of my life… this was one of the most important days of my life…
I almost regret it… I almost want to call and say that I’ve made a terrible mistake and that we should forget any of this ever happened, but I’m still clinging to the reasoning I’d done in my head so many times over the past few months: that this would be for the best. I just wish I could feel the same way I think.
I’ll never forget the tears that were shed in my car while driving back. Though none of them were my own, I still wish I could claim that some were. I still haven’t cried since I was 8, but tonight was the closest I’ve ever been since then, and the most I’ve ever wanted to.
*sigh* …Now all that’s left is the fallout, and all the misunderstandings and all the rumors and all the dirty looks and the people who wish to remain ignorant of my side of the story and all the friends I’ll most inevitably lose.
I guess this is what doing the right thing is really like.
…At least I don’t feel like cutting.
A torch should take care of this house of cards…
A piercing lack of sense of self pervades me today. I feel almost paranoid… trapped in this vast expanse. I believe this beast has pulled me into his hole tonight. When did he revive? When did he feed? He seems so strong… Stronger than I remember.
I must escape once again… but, there’s so much left to do here, in both worlds. This friendship I’ve drugged myself with has buried itself within my skin… I feel as though it’s become infected, feeding its toxins through these veins of mine. A part of me tells me that amputation of this infected limb is my only salvation… The other part, with whom I’ve allied myself for now, tells me I need to fight through the fever.
Both sides tell me that something must come undone. Perhaps this security I’ve built for myself over the years was false… These walls certainly seem to be closing in fast.
Am I afraid of commitment? No, not at all… It was commitment who saved me once upon a time.
I must make a decision. Lovers over friends, or friends over lovers… But the resulting fallout could be avoided by burning both bridges.
Soon this razor-wielding hand shall bear a torch instead of this razor. But tonight… tonight I need to feel.
…I saw I Am Legend tonight. Loved it.
Mind reader
There’s a thorn in my side… a thought I just can’t expel.
I went out with a friend today, and bought some new clothes. I was in pretty desperate need before today, so I’m glad I got the chance. It’s so sad that I’ll be leaving to go back home so soon… We’ve become quite close over the past few months. At least I’ll be back here early next year.
It’s such a funny friendship. We’re so much alike, it’s unbelievable. Though we’ve come from different homes a thousand miles apart, we share so much with each other. We like the same things, we dislike the same things, we enjoy talking about the same things and doing the same things together. Of course we’re not exactly alike, but we’ve really only discovered four or five major things we disagree on, and that’s based on a very loose definition of “major.” We’re different enough to keep it interesting, but we have scarily similar personalities.
This person is… well, astonishing. Our conversations, incredible. The times we’ve shared, amazing. I can’t seem to get enough of their company… I can’t help but think, were we not bound by such a wearisome title…
Thus presenting me with quite the dilemma. I am already in a relationship. A great one. One that’s lasted for four years… But we were never so alike. But then again, who is, once you reach a certain point? I hate myself for even considering undoing four years and the heart of someone I think I love. But what is love? Better yet, what would I be missing should I do such a thing? Or what would I be missing should I choose to stay where I am? Would there even be a chance between by and my “friend”? How could I be such a terrible person? But this is my life… what would be so terrible about trying to make it just a little better?
But even before we met, I couldn’t escape the pressing thoughts that I and my lover were so different. But if we were truly so incompatible, how did we last for so long? Perhaps we’ve simply changed since the day we’ve met?
Could I only read minds, perhaps I wouldn’t be forced to choose… perhaps this decision could be made for me. Could I only be strong, perhaps I could make the most difficult decision of my life.
Dear God, what’s the answer to this riddle?
