When the Sky Ends
The smoke is still stinging my throat slightly, dancing with the familiar taste of tobacco in my mouth. Perhaps I’ve developed a mild nicotine addiction… Lately I’ve felt as though I’ve had to have at least one every night. “It’s okay though, I can quit whenever I want.” Nights where I cannot find the time to smoke don’t seem like a burden to me, and often times are followed by a couple nights where I simply forget to greet this habit.
Poor me.
Got into a huge fight with my mother today… It all started when she asked my brother to start his car for her. My brother, jokingly, said that she should ask me to do it instead. He was finishing up his lunch or something… I was busy with Twilight Princess, a great game that I haven’t had the time to get into since its release. So, she asked me if I could do it for her. So I told her that it’s his car and that she asked him first, so naturally he should do it. These innocent words devolved into “Hey! I told YOU to do it, so go do it!” I resisted, and then she began making comments about how lazy I was and how it was just shameful that I was never willing to do any work around the house. She kept going about how ungrateful of a child I was, one bullshit remark after the next.
I wasn’t having any of that today. So, I lashed back out at her. This argument went all over, touching on subjects ranging from how I wasn’t able to find a job this semester, to her and my dad’s inability to find jobs this season either, to my brother’s greatly belated high school graduation (coming this December… he’s 20 now), to the sensitive (for her) issue of me having to take her car to college this semester instead of my own which had expensive transmission problems, to my parents playing favorites when we were children, to statements such as “Why don’t you just move out already? We should start charging you rent,” to “I’m the only one in this room who’s actually planning on doing something that matters with my life… you’re the one who’s a failure.”
It was fierce, abbreviated only when she realized she was running late for some errands she had to attend.
I’ve come to a realization today. When I was younger, when I needed friends and company and relationships the most, they were the ones who were never there for me. Due to some masterful work by my then-manipulative, brown-nosing brother, he had managed to convince my parents that I was the source of scorn in our family. I was labeled as the misfit, the mischievous, selfish child who twisted the opinions of my friends against my own family members.
It all began when they first held on to the notion that I was abusing my brother, trying to turning friends and family against him. In a heroic attempt to foil my evil plot, I became the evil one. They were the heroes who had stepped in just in time to save my brother from certain peril, sentenced to a life of depression and loneliness ushered in by me, who sought the approval of my peers more than the bonds of family. I was the problem child from then on, the one they had to unite against to undermine.
They needed someone to fill this role in their lives. I happened to be in the right place in the right time. Thus the evil one’s schemes would be forever put to rest, the villain locked up and bound. No more would these plans come to fruition, no longer would this terrible concoction of blood, tissue and bone which had gone awry continue to herd corruption between their precious family bonds.
What’s it like to have your family stand up for you, to protect you when people aim their fragile fingers your way undeservingly? What’s it like to be encouraged by a loving father when you’ve been paralyzed by the fears of a reality which seeks to destroy you? What’s it like to hold a deep, genuine conversation with a mother who’s interested in your thoughts and feelings, interested in the relationships you’ve managed to build in the mere 10-20 years of life you’ve been granted thus far?
Tell me… somebody please, tell me…
These days hurt so much. Each day I walked through this desert, chapped lips seeking water. It wasn’t long after stepping onto this baked earth that the wolves first spotted me… wasn’t long before I could hear them pacing around me as I slept, each night drawing closer, biding their time to strike. My father once told me I was the worst sibling he had ever known. “I would never want to be your brother,” he said to me. Even as my brother defended me, he held fast to this idea.
I wanted to die… I wanted to die…
When have I ever been the wanted one within this circle? I’ve always envied this love, the bond of which I apparently am undeserving of. Even now as they talk to him… my brother, the victim… Each time they laugh, each time they share something of themselves… Hell, each time they so much as genuinely listen to the words he speaks, I wonder if it ever could have been me.
…But sometimes I wonder if I truly wished it could’ve been.
I thought that these cuts would be for my friends, those who’ve fallen where I’d managed to stay strong. But now I believe that these cuts will be for me.
I wish I may, I wish I might
On crimson-coated steel tonight…
Oh God… I need to get out of here…
Around the Fireplace
Well, I’m back. Too bad my home doesn’t have power. We’ve got a generator though, so it’s not so bad. At least I can shower… And, obviously, I have internet access.
My ex removed me as a facebook friend recently… I’m not sure exactly when, but I was reading their updates just a few weeks ago… so, it can’t have been that long since then.
I’m… not sure how I feel about it. One one hand, I can understand… We barely talk since we’ve broken up and I’m sure my ex is tired of receiving updates about me and my current interest. It’s interesting that several other friends have removed me as well. Call these dynamics silly politics if you will, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I don’t recall the pain I’ve caused this person. Though I still don’t regret my actions, I do still care about this person tremendously. As for the other friends who have removed me, I have other, much better friends than them. I’m growing tired of the drama around here anyway.
On top of this, I heard that there may be someone else involved now. Honestly, I sincerely hope so… I hope my ex finds that perfect someone, and soon… I think they could use it.
I don’t know. I suppose I am disappointed that a friendship couldn’t work out between us. Though, I cannot say that I’m surprised.
One of my other friends broke up with her boyfriend, recently. Now they are both dating other people… I’ve heard that the guy she’s dating isn’t such a great person, and it’s wearing on her.
It’s funny, the directions in which people change sometimes.
Myself included, I suppose.
I haven’t cut yet. I think I may be afraid to. In a sense I feel as though I have to be there emotionally for my family right now, as money is short and we haven’t had power for over a week now. Family bonds are funny, too. I’ve never (and still don’t) consider myself to be close to my family, yet I feel a sense of responsibility about them.
*sigh* I hope we get power soon. I need a true vacation right now.
On a good note, I managed to get all A’s this semester, despite one of my teachers being a bitch! Yay!
The Color Theft
I need to cut again. I need… need…
Perhaps I have seasonal affective disorder… This seems to be a new recurring trend for me in the wintertime.
It’s the same as last year. These cuts will be for my friends who are falling… who feel they are not good enough. For those who feel as if there is no escape for themselves, who let the blackness within them grow.
I think I care too much. That’s my problem… that’s it…
…I’m holding out until I leave for home.
Suspended in a Sunbeam
Sometimes I find myself lost in these moments, thinking about my life. Not about anything in particular, just… my life.
So often we view our lives as fragile and meaningless. We see ourselves as temporal… impermanent, finite beings with little purpose outside of sustaining ourselves and those our minds have connected us to. “Why are we here? What good are we,” we ask ourselves, “that we should be gifted — or perhaps cursed — with the burden of life?”
It is moments such as these that I find myself on the outside, looking in. I feel as though I can see the stage of the earth as it twists upon its axis and dances within its orbit. The actors which populate this theater are us members of the human race. God sits in place of the sun, watching the dramatic improvisation unfold.
I see the strings of each man and woman, connected not the hands of some demented puppeteer, but to each other. For a moment I can see every action and every reaction caused by the pushing and pulling — the tightening and loosing — of each of these strings. I watch downwards to see these billions of actors sitting upon this crowded stage as they bump and struggle to stay on, to reach the center, to climb to the top, knocking and bumping fellow men and women off this stage as each presses inward. I look within and I see myself, fighting this same fight, still holding my own. Still hanging on, sometimes by several threads. Sometimes by just one.
I reach down and scream a voiceless cry to myself, beckoning that my body should join my mind here in the audience. We could watch together, in peace.
I weep for my own blood. I feel as though it is trapped within me. I must release it from its tomb, lest it wither away and speak to me no more.
I want to cut. But, I can’t. I still find occasions to wear clothes with short sleeves.
I am too controlled by the opinions of my peers… far too controlled. Perhaps contained is a more appropriate word…
…I’m not sick anymore. Except for this cough and the grossness in my throat. Ick.
I can’t believe I cheated on the one I love…
We’re in this together
I went out with my friend tonight.
How did it go?
It was great… it was wonderful… it wasn’t at all awkward… and best of all, it was mutual.
…But it’s too soon. We’re not ready.
Not yet anyway.
With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept
This song reminds me of lucid dreaming. I used to be an avid lucid dreamer… now it’s more or less an occasional hobby. It’s amazing, it’s spectacular, and it’s a lot of fun being able to control your dreams and whatnot, but a lot of the time I find myself content with simply allowing my mind to carry me on its journey, believing in the fallacy it presents for the night. Plus it takes an extra 2-3 hours a night for me to pull off, and I simply haven’t had the time.
What is lucid dreaming, you might ask? Well, if you look here or here. Some places make it sound like some sort of cheesy infomercial product, but it’s really a wonderful and amazing “feature” of our mind. Once you come to the realization that you are dreaming while within the dream itself, there are essentially no bounds to what you can do with your dream. Not to brag, but I happen to be quite proficient at lucid dreaming and dream control. I have developed my own technique to initiate a lucid dream which has only failed me once or twice in the past… Pretty good, considering the average success rate of the best techniques is around 60% for most people.
In any case… I went rock climbing today! That was fun… my “friend” went with me. Awkward moment today too, by the way… one of my friends who is stuck on the suspicion that we are secretly dating comes in my dorm while we are watching House, sits between us and says “Aw what the heck, you guys are just friends, right?” Neither of us said anything… After a short while he said “Ok, ok, I can take a hint you guys!” and then he got up and left. I wasn’t sure how to react to that little incident… I really am not sure I’m ready for this friend of mine to know how I feel. Plus, I’m not sure that they feel the same way at all… it seems like they do a lot of the time, but that could simply be them being extra friendly, seeing as we’re so close.
I’m planning on inviting this friend to go out on Valentine’s Eve, though. I do hope they agree!
I certainly am enjoying being 21. Parrot Bay Rum sure is good… I feel terrible for saying that I’ve been drinking, but it’s only a little bit and I just turned 21… It’s a good excuse to have a little. Right? Besides, I’m not drunk or anything.
I was working on an awesome picture on Facebook’s Graffiti application with my graphics tablet today and the page changed on me while I was nearing completion of my picture. I was SO mad, you wouldn’t even believe it! Working out seemed to do a good job of curing my stress, though.
There are some remedies worse than the disease
It certainly has been a while, hasn’t it?
Life hasn’t changed. I remain in the same situations as my previous post… Still the fleeting doubt, still the resolute belief that I’m doing what’s right, still the friendship that remains something more only on an ambiguous level. Still the exercise, still the diet plan, still the hunt for the perfect job, still the ever-increasing workload, and still the procrastination.
Life changes take too long to take hold… anyone else ever notice that?
I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much. After all, it seems as though life is defined not by how much grunt work one has, but what kind of grunt work one will inevitably have to do. It’s not that I’ve tired of doing such things… I simply wish there were more hours in the day, or that there was a place I could go to stop time and simply collect myself without losing precious hours.
I still have yet to speak to my ex since we’ve broken up. Yet, I’ve been checking their Facebook and MySpace pages like a stalker.
Today is my birthday. Maybe today would be a good day to call? Not knowing which direction I’ve sent both our lives spiraling in is destroying me from within.
I read PostSecret.com frequently. I often check the site as soon as they update. If I were to send in a secret, it would read “The only thing keeping me from cutting again is knowing that people at the gym would notice.”
It’s not life that’s pushing me down into this hole again. Life is good… it truly is. It’s that something that’s been eating away at my insides like a parasite I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s the death within this life… the unanswered “Why me”’s and the haunting “Not good enough”’s. Tonight I just want to hate, but I’m trying so hard not to.
It’s a good thing I can’t find my razor… I might just do something irrational.
Chase this light with me
Well I’m back at college. What a crazy Christmas break it’s been…
I’m surprised. No “I can’t believe you”’s? No “What are you thinking”’s? Seems like a lot of people didn’t even know about the breakup.
Haha, guess I’m just not as big of a deal as I thought… In a good way, that is.
Perhaps I’ve misjudged everyone…
My mother and I had somewhat of a falling out today, too, which I will discuss later. It’s good though… it needed to happen.
Cause baby I’m not all right when you go, I’m not fine
So what now? With what words does this new chapter of my life open?
I am currently in a mix of emotions. On one side, I’m not over it. I still feel terrible. I space out and sadden at thoughts of my ex. I can’t believe how much I’ve hurt this person whom I once loved. I want so badly to talk to my ex right now, just to see what’s going on, how we’re each dealing with this, and if we’re both feeling the same way right now. I want to know what we have both been up to — I know I’ve managed to keep busy, trying to keep my mind off this whole incident while I do some coping of my own… but what about my ex?
On the other side, I’m ready to move on. Granted I’ve had the chance to give this a whole lot more thought and time to let it sink in than my ex has… it feels like I’m getting over this rather quickly. One might say “Of course you are Jordan, you’re the one who ended the relationship.” My reply would be that when you’ve loved someone for over four years, no matter what the situation, it will still hurt at the end.
The bottom line is that I believe I’m doing the right thing. Though it hurts a whole lot, I believe that it’s for the best for both of us in the long run. The more time that passes between then and now, the more I think that this uneasy, unsure pain that grips my heart is simply my compassion for the heart I’ve had to break.
I do realize that believing in something doesn’t make it the truth. Perhaps I am wrong… I’d be willing to admit it if I started to see this situation from a different angle, and came to that realization. Then what would I do? Well, I’d do what’s right — try and get back together with my ex.
In any case… here I am now. Single.
It’s almost like having a birthday… I don’t feel single yet. Funny how that works.
I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone else for a while.
As for my college “friend”… Who knows. My whole life seems to change each time I go to and from that place. We’ll just have to wait and see.
…Notice how all the titles to my posts are lyrics from songs? That’s intentional.
I will lie awake
It’s over.
If God’s going to tell me that I’m making a horrible mistake, now would be a great time for him to do so.
What happened? We met after work and went to Denny’s (it was the only place open this late at night). Conversation was light at first, but then we got on the topic of our relationship. I decided we had grown too far apart… Unfortunately, my feelings and my ultimate decision were not shared.
It’s funny… Just the other night I thought everything would be ok, everything would be mutual, but it was anything but that tonight. It was mature, but very emotional. I didn’t want to leave without being able to answer any questions, but there were so many things I just couldn’t explain. Guess I forgot for a while what life is really like.
This was the single hardest decision of my life… this was the one of saddest days of my life… this was one of the most important days of my life…
I almost regret it… I almost want to call and say that I’ve made a terrible mistake and that we should forget any of this ever happened, but I’m still clinging to the reasoning I’d done in my head so many times over the past few months: that this would be for the best. I just wish I could feel the same way I think.
I’ll never forget the tears that were shed in my car while driving back. Though none of them were my own, I still wish I could claim that some were. I still haven’t cried since I was 8, but tonight was the closest I’ve ever been since then, and the most I’ve ever wanted to.
*sigh* …Now all that’s left is the fallout, and all the misunderstandings and all the rumors and all the dirty looks and the people who wish to remain ignorant of my side of the story and all the friends I’ll most inevitably lose.
I guess this is what doing the right thing is really like.
…At least I don’t feel like cutting.
