…On Tracks of Never-Ending Light
Taking a nap today (my very, very easy day of the week, Tuesday/Thursday… Only one class at 9 and then I’m out!), I gave lucid dreaming a shot again. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it like I used to, though I didn’t quite make it all the way into REM. I could see the images in front of me, taunting me, eluding me like a playful schoolchild on the first warm day after a long winter… I reached out with my consciousness, the feeble arms granted to my budding dream body, yet I could not reach far enough. Soon the scene faded into black. Strange, random shapes burned into my retina, as I felt my equilibrium twist and tumble. Soon the familiar tightness in my chest and the emptiness in my lungs faded away, and I slipped gently back into the couch I had laid on. I was so close, just one breath away…
I was still tired after this so I just went back to sleep in the regular way. I dreamed strange dreams as though I was attending a different college, but with the same faces there. My mom was even working there, which I thought was funny. Excuse the random paragraph…
I later was in some kind of department store, presumably Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby, when I ran into my ex. Breaking through the awkwardness, perhaps knowing deep in my gut that this was only a dream, we spoke. My ex told me that there was nothing to worry about… that they were over me, and that there were no feelings of bitterness or hatred left behind. Though true, my ex began to shed tears through these words. So did I.
I wept, harder and more passionately than I have in a long, long time in my dreams.
In waking life, I haven’t been moved all the way to tears since I was 8 (though there have been time where I’ve been close).
I held my ex tightly, and whispered “I’m so sorry” over and over and over again.
I don’t remember much else of the dream… there was something about stunt driving and a car wreck, but it’s just fragments in my mind now.
…It’s funny. For a while now, I’ve been crying in just about every dream I’ve had and can remember.
Perhaps my body’s telling me that it needs to try it in waking life.
Just once.
When the Sky Ends
The smoke is still stinging my throat slightly, dancing with the familiar taste of tobacco in my mouth. Perhaps I’ve developed a mild nicotine addiction… Lately I’ve felt as though I’ve had to have at least one every night. “It’s okay though, I can quit whenever I want.” Nights where I cannot find the time to smoke don’t seem like a burden to me, and often times are followed by a couple nights where I simply forget to greet this habit.
Poor me.
Got into a huge fight with my mother today… It all started when she asked my brother to start his car for her. My brother, jokingly, said that she should ask me to do it instead. He was finishing up his lunch or something… I was busy with Twilight Princess, a great game that I haven’t had the time to get into since its release. So, she asked me if I could do it for her. So I told her that it’s his car and that she asked him first, so naturally he should do it. These innocent words devolved into “Hey! I told YOU to do it, so go do it!” I resisted, and then she began making comments about how lazy I was and how it was just shameful that I was never willing to do any work around the house. She kept going about how ungrateful of a child I was, one bullshit remark after the next.
I wasn’t having any of that today. So, I lashed back out at her. This argument went all over, touching on subjects ranging from how I wasn’t able to find a job this semester, to her and my dad’s inability to find jobs this season either, to my brother’s greatly belated high school graduation (coming this December… he’s 20 now), to the sensitive (for her) issue of me having to take her car to college this semester instead of my own which had expensive transmission problems, to my parents playing favorites when we were children, to statements such as “Why don’t you just move out already? We should start charging you rent,” to “I’m the only one in this room who’s actually planning on doing something that matters with my life… you’re the one who’s a failure.”
It was fierce, abbreviated only when she realized she was running late for some errands she had to attend.
I’ve come to a realization today. When I was younger, when I needed friends and company and relationships the most, they were the ones who were never there for me. Due to some masterful work by my then-manipulative, brown-nosing brother, he had managed to convince my parents that I was the source of scorn in our family. I was labeled as the misfit, the mischievous, selfish child who twisted the opinions of my friends against my own family members.
It all began when they first held on to the notion that I was abusing my brother, trying to turning friends and family against him. In a heroic attempt to foil my evil plot, I became the evil one. They were the heroes who had stepped in just in time to save my brother from certain peril, sentenced to a life of depression and loneliness ushered in by me, who sought the approval of my peers more than the bonds of family. I was the problem child from then on, the one they had to unite against to undermine.
They needed someone to fill this role in their lives. I happened to be in the right place in the right time. Thus the evil one’s schemes would be forever put to rest, the villain locked up and bound. No more would these plans come to fruition, no longer would this terrible concoction of blood, tissue and bone which had gone awry continue to herd corruption between their precious family bonds.
What’s it like to have your family stand up for you, to protect you when people aim their fragile fingers your way undeservingly? What’s it like to be encouraged by a loving father when you’ve been paralyzed by the fears of a reality which seeks to destroy you? What’s it like to hold a deep, genuine conversation with a mother who’s interested in your thoughts and feelings, interested in the relationships you’ve managed to build in the mere 10-20 years of life you’ve been granted thus far?
Tell me… somebody please, tell me…
These days hurt so much. Each day I walked through this desert, chapped lips seeking water. It wasn’t long after stepping onto this baked earth that the wolves first spotted me… wasn’t long before I could hear them pacing around me as I slept, each night drawing closer, biding their time to strike. My father once told me I was the worst sibling he had ever known. “I would never want to be your brother,” he said to me. Even as my brother defended me, he held fast to this idea.
I wanted to die… I wanted to die…
When have I ever been the wanted one within this circle? I’ve always envied this love, the bond of which I apparently am undeserving of. Even now as they talk to him… my brother, the victim… Each time they laugh, each time they share something of themselves… Hell, each time they so much as genuinely listen to the words he speaks, I wonder if it ever could have been me.
…But sometimes I wonder if I truly wished it could’ve been.
I thought that these cuts would be for my friends, those who’ve fallen where I’d managed to stay strong. But now I believe that these cuts will be for me.
I wish I may, I wish I might
On crimson-coated steel tonight…
Oh God… I need to get out of here…
Around the Fireplace
Well, I’m back. Too bad my home doesn’t have power. We’ve got a generator though, so it’s not so bad. At least I can shower… And, obviously, I have internet access.
My ex removed me as a facebook friend recently… I’m not sure exactly when, but I was reading their updates just a few weeks ago… so, it can’t have been that long since then.
I’m… not sure how I feel about it. One one hand, I can understand… We barely talk since we’ve broken up and I’m sure my ex is tired of receiving updates about me and my current interest. It’s interesting that several other friends have removed me as well. Call these dynamics silly politics if you will, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I don’t recall the pain I’ve caused this person. Though I still don’t regret my actions, I do still care about this person tremendously. As for the other friends who have removed me, I have other, much better friends than them. I’m growing tired of the drama around here anyway.
On top of this, I heard that there may be someone else involved now. Honestly, I sincerely hope so… I hope my ex finds that perfect someone, and soon… I think they could use it.
I don’t know. I suppose I am disappointed that a friendship couldn’t work out between us. Though, I cannot say that I’m surprised.
One of my other friends broke up with her boyfriend, recently. Now they are both dating other people… I’ve heard that the guy she’s dating isn’t such a great person, and it’s wearing on her.
It’s funny, the directions in which people change sometimes.
Myself included, I suppose.
I haven’t cut yet. I think I may be afraid to. In a sense I feel as though I have to be there emotionally for my family right now, as money is short and we haven’t had power for over a week now. Family bonds are funny, too. I’ve never (and still don’t) consider myself to be close to my family, yet I feel a sense of responsibility about them.
*sigh* I hope we get power soon. I need a true vacation right now.
On a good note, I managed to get all A’s this semester, despite one of my teachers being a bitch! Yay!
Into your hurricane
It’s been a little while since we’ve broken up. How do I feel? Well, the short answer is that I feel the same. I still have the same uncertainties, I still feel the same way towards my ex as I did when I decided to break up, and I still believe I’m doing the right thing for us. Nothing’s changed. Only now there’s a thousand miles between us… We still haven’t talked either.
My parents found out, too and they’re trying to get involved… they really liked my ex, and they want us to get back together, but I’ve explained my situation and how I feel to them and, surprisingly, I think they actually listened to me. Whether or not they agreed with me completely is a different issue… but at least I feel like they understand a little bit more now. It’s something that’s new to me.
I don’t feel the same depression I did towards the end of this past year, which is another wonderful thing… Strangely enough though, that’s had little effect on my desire to cut myself. But, I feel like I can fight that urge now, and I have been. It’s been several weeks since the last time. Honestly, I think working out has helped in this aspect… I don’t want to have to wrap a bandage around my arm whenever I go to exercise, and the scars I already have are noticeable enough.
School’s going to be stressful this semester, I can feel it. I’m taking the Kaplan MCAT prep course and it’s going to cut a huge chunk out of my Tuesdays and Thursdays. So much for my social life… Although I suppose it’s worth it in the long run. Right?
I want to talk to my ex but I’m positive that feeling isn’t mutual. Still going to give it more time. Maybe next month.
All in all… this semester is going much better than I expected, so far.
Chase this light with me
Well I’m back at college. What a crazy Christmas break it’s been…
I’m surprised. No “I can’t believe you”’s? No “What are you thinking”’s? Seems like a lot of people didn’t even know about the breakup.
Haha, guess I’m just not as big of a deal as I thought… In a good way, that is.
Perhaps I’ve misjudged everyone…
My mother and I had somewhat of a falling out today, too, which I will discuss later. It’s good though… it needed to happen.
Anesthetics prior to the first incision
Is it wrong to hate myself for what I feel I need to do?
On one hand, I absolutely, totally, completely, and with everything within me, hate the way this is going to hurt my SO. I hate it. But, I can’t bear the thought of us staying together simply because I didn’t have the guts to do something that I felt was right for myself. This would make for an unhappy life.
It’s good to be back, though. I’ve been trying to take it easy for the past couple days… Oh, good news! My diet’s over, too, as of Tuesday. Why was I dieting, you ask? Well, not because I’m fat… not by a long shot. Anyone would say I was just right. However, I have a certain body type in mind and I’m simply not there yet. I’m close, but not quite there. I just had to drop my body fat percentage a few points, and now I’ve got to hit the gym and start exercising. It’s a nice two-phase program I’ve developed for myself. I could’ve tried to exercise and lose weight at the same time, but that would’ve sapped me of precious energy and time needed for things like studying and retaining consciousness during everyday activities.
Too bad I won’t say how much I lost, though. That would be revealing just a little more about myself than I’m comfortable with… in an indirect way, at least.
I must be bipolar… I’m happy about so many things, yet some things just seem to be causing me so much pain still. As I’ve said, I remember why I wanted to go so far away in the first place… I hate being back around some of these same people. But there are also several I’ve been eager to see, like my brother. Though we’ve been at each other’s throats for most of our lives, several big things happened between us and now he’s one of my best friends. It’s wonderful, actually…
And then there are my parents. Though they don’t fight as much anymore, their attitudes towards me and my brother haven’t changed one bit.
…I think I might cut tonight.
But why? I almost feel fine… almost. It’s as if this cut I’m about to make is the one step between me and “fine” tonight.
It’s too bad, though. It’s been almost a week since the last time. Perhaps I’m bipolar? What’s driving me to do this?
