Just nothing…
It feels like a long time since I’ve written anything.
I’m not sure what’s possessed me to write tonight… perhaps it’s the alcohol in my blood.
I know it’s only been a couple posts since I’ve posted while I was intoxicated, but look at the dates — it’s been that long since I’ve drank anything.
Hmm… and I have classes tomorrow. I haven’t had that much… I hope I’ll be ok.
Lucid dreaming. Are you familiar with it? I’ve been talking with my significant other’s sister about it lately… She’s gotten into it too. I’m not sure she’s into it as much as I am, but I have my suspicions. She’s been keeping a dream journal of sorts… Her pleasant dreams she writes down, and her nightmares she illustrates. She’s quite the talented artists, so I hope I have the chance to see some of her dream-inspired works someday.
In any case… life is good right now. Yet, I can’t help but feel that the tides of change are coming soon.
Perhaps it’s just the ethanol speaking, though…
I feel like drawing, too. It’s unfortunate that I can’t link to my DeviantArt profile from here. No, that would expose my identity. I can’t have that. I’m not too bad of an artist myself… although I’ve been without my Wacom pen for almost a year, now. My Intuos3 has been sitting in my bookshelf for that long, just begging for me to replace its pen.
I got my tax return recently… If I can manage it, perhaps I will.’
Anyway… I’m done. I apologize for the poor quality of my posts lately. I seem to be pretty boring…
It’s been nice out, lately. Hopefully I’ll get enogh sun before my class trip at the end of the semester.
…On Tracks of Never-Ending Light
Taking a nap today (my very, very easy day of the week, Tuesday/Thursday… Only one class at 9 and then I’m out!), I gave lucid dreaming a shot again. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it like I used to, though I didn’t quite make it all the way into REM. I could see the images in front of me, taunting me, eluding me like a playful schoolchild on the first warm day after a long winter… I reached out with my consciousness, the feeble arms granted to my budding dream body, yet I could not reach far enough. Soon the scene faded into black. Strange, random shapes burned into my retina, as I felt my equilibrium twist and tumble. Soon the familiar tightness in my chest and the emptiness in my lungs faded away, and I slipped gently back into the couch I had laid on. I was so close, just one breath away…
I was still tired after this so I just went back to sleep in the regular way. I dreamed strange dreams as though I was attending a different college, but with the same faces there. My mom was even working there, which I thought was funny. Excuse the random paragraph…
I later was in some kind of department store, presumably Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby, when I ran into my ex. Breaking through the awkwardness, perhaps knowing deep in my gut that this was only a dream, we spoke. My ex told me that there was nothing to worry about… that they were over me, and that there were no feelings of bitterness or hatred left behind. Though true, my ex began to shed tears through these words. So did I.
I wept, harder and more passionately than I have in a long, long time in my dreams.
In waking life, I haven’t been moved all the way to tears since I was 8 (though there have been time where I’ve been close).
I held my ex tightly, and whispered “I’m so sorry” over and over and over again.
I don’t remember much else of the dream… there was something about stunt driving and a car wreck, but it’s just fragments in my mind now.
…It’s funny. For a while now, I’ve been crying in just about every dream I’ve had and can remember.
Perhaps my body’s telling me that it needs to try it in waking life.
Just once.
The Light
Another dream I had, this one only once.
I suddenly awake, sitting or laying on the ground. Beside me stand steep, green slopes of sparse grass-like vegetation, dotted with stones. Behind me lies a grassy lakeside shore. To my left, deepening, clear water stretching for half a mile, perhaps. In front of me stands a large shed, almost like a guest house. Above me, the most incredible sky one could imagine, splattered with blues and reds and oranges and vibrant pinks and violets, hues which made me feel as though I had only now opened my eyes for the first time in my life. It was warm, with a soft wind rolling through the valley. I walk to the side of the house and enter.
Nothing remarkable — somewhat creepy, actually. The house seemed somewhat run-down. There were no light fixtures, only a couple sparse items of furniture — a rocking chair, a couch and I believe there was a television set in one side of the room. The only closet was empty, and I did not bother going to the second floor. As I stood in the darkening room, painted an earthy green color, I felt at peace. As I took in my surroundings feeling the silence sigh into my ears, I closed my eyes and felt something very peculiar. I looked down towards my feet and realized I was suddenly, barely, floating above the floor. I teetered with awkward balance for a bit and then fell back to the ground.
Enamored with this newfound magic I had stumbled upon, I willed myself back into the air, jumping up and down, each time slowing my descent by just a little bit. I remember doing a back flip once or twice. Smiling with satisfaction, I turned and managed to float awkwardly out the door I had come in.
Not much time had passed. I walked over to the opposite side of the house and found myself standing upon a little hill, feet away from the lake shore. I turned and looked up into the skies.
It was dusk, yet still bright. I could see a growing blanket of stars dotting the sunset. I took in my surroundings. Particular to this dream — no, this memory — was the feeling of the earth beneath my feet. I was standing on a smooth, grass-like vegetation which felt like cool ribbons made of silk. I looked out over the lake at the mountains surrounding me, enclosing me within this valley for as long as I should like. I noticed that I had not seen a single tree.
I was alone, stuck in this personal heaven forever. Though, from here, I felt as though I was free, free to change and tweak all the inner-workings of every life I could imagine. I was the painter, this world was my canvas.
I smiled, embracing the silence. I felt so comfortable here, so at home. I stepped towards the water. I wanted to walk across it, to fly to whatever lands lay beyond the valley, to see every inch of this new canvas.
As I stepped out onto the water, the small waves lapping up against the sides of my feet, I awoke.
Often I can return to places I’ve visited in dreams if I’ve been thinking about them enough throughout the day, or if I’m lucid for long enough to remember.
I’ve thought about returning there nearly every day since I had this dream years ago. I’ve yet to experience anything like it since.
Perhaps tonight will be the night…
Shades of Grey
One more post for today. I have a dream I’d like to share. This dream occured three different times when I was a child, the first time when I was 7 I believe, and twice more until the last time, when I must have been 10 or so. It was the same dream, differing only in the location it appeared to take place.
I enter a room, empty save for several relevant items of furniture… A table, a chair, perhaps a bed with a mattress on it. Nothing too decorative, though. I would walk in, my heart racing for some unidentifiable reason. It was always daytime, perhaps an hour or two before noon. I would see several people in the room, namely my father, mother, and on two occasions someone else, someone who seemed familiar but I could never quite identify… Like a stranger you catch passing by in a car who looks like a long lost friend.
Then there’s one — twice, the same person, an old friend of mine — standing, or sitting in the center of the room on an old wooden chair. This was the center of my fears, as if each step I took was one step closer to the altar of an ancient mayan pyramid. As I approach my friend, who is either sitting or standing there unclothed, he looks at me silently then turns to reveal a zipper laced into his flesh, running from the top of his head to the bottom of his back. The others in the room look at me, expectantly, silently. I know what I must do, and I must do it with caution, as though to avoid some great consequence.
I reach up and tug at the zipper and his body begins to unfold, revealing a featureless, blood-colored mass, assuming the form of my friend. As I’m pulling, be it from some nervous twitch or bad luck, the zipper is caught on the way down, about upper- or mid-back. Anxiety sets in, and I struggle to get it unstuck, all eyes around the room evaluating my every action.
Suddenly with a strong pull, the zipper gives way and tears my friend open. The blood-colored mass within my friend’s skin suddenly shudders and dissolves all at once, spilling across myself and the floor. Leathery skin slumps to the floor and panic sets in. Just then, the stares turn to outraged glares as the others in the room approach me. With nowhere to run, I brace myself. “How could you!” They scream. “Why couldn’t you be more careful!?” I hear these a fleeting moment before being knocked to the ground from a heavy blow from behind. I plea for them to stop, but the blows keep coming.
I close my eyes and pray for escape, and then I wake.
I’m convinced that these dreams had some severe effect on my perceptions of others when I was younger, particularly towards my family.
With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept
This song reminds me of lucid dreaming. I used to be an avid lucid dreamer… now it’s more or less an occasional hobby. It’s amazing, it’s spectacular, and it’s a lot of fun being able to control your dreams and whatnot, but a lot of the time I find myself content with simply allowing my mind to carry me on its journey, believing in the fallacy it presents for the night. Plus it takes an extra 2-3 hours a night for me to pull off, and I simply haven’t had the time.
What is lucid dreaming, you might ask? Well, if you look here or here. Some places make it sound like some sort of cheesy infomercial product, but it’s really a wonderful and amazing “feature” of our mind. Once you come to the realization that you are dreaming while within the dream itself, there are essentially no bounds to what you can do with your dream. Not to brag, but I happen to be quite proficient at lucid dreaming and dream control. I have developed my own technique to initiate a lucid dream which has only failed me once or twice in the past… Pretty good, considering the average success rate of the best techniques is around 60% for most people.
In any case… I went rock climbing today! That was fun… my “friend” went with me. Awkward moment today too, by the way… one of my friends who is stuck on the suspicion that we are secretly dating comes in my dorm while we are watching House, sits between us and says “Aw what the heck, you guys are just friends, right?” Neither of us said anything… After a short while he said “Ok, ok, I can take a hint you guys!” and then he got up and left. I wasn’t sure how to react to that little incident… I really am not sure I’m ready for this friend of mine to know how I feel. Plus, I’m not sure that they feel the same way at all… it seems like they do a lot of the time, but that could simply be them being extra friendly, seeing as we’re so close.
I’m planning on inviting this friend to go out on Valentine’s Eve, though. I do hope they agree!
I certainly am enjoying being 21. Parrot Bay Rum sure is good… I feel terrible for saying that I’ve been drinking, but it’s only a little bit and I just turned 21… It’s a good excuse to have a little. Right? Besides, I’m not drunk or anything.
I was working on an awesome picture on Facebook’s Graffiti application with my graphics tablet today and the page changed on me while I was nearing completion of my picture. I was SO mad, you wouldn’t even believe it! Working out seemed to do a good job of curing my stress, though.
