There are some remedies worse than the disease
It certainly has been a while, hasn’t it?
Life hasn’t changed. I remain in the same situations as my previous post… Still the fleeting doubt, still the resolute belief that I’m doing what’s right, still the friendship that remains something more only on an ambiguous level. Still the exercise, still the diet plan, still the hunt for the perfect job, still the ever-increasing workload, and still the procrastination.
Life changes take too long to take hold… anyone else ever notice that?
I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much. After all, it seems as though life is defined not by how much grunt work one has, but what kind of grunt work one will inevitably have to do. It’s not that I’ve tired of doing such things… I simply wish there were more hours in the day, or that there was a place I could go to stop time and simply collect myself without losing precious hours.
I still have yet to speak to my ex since we’ve broken up. Yet, I’ve been checking their Facebook and MySpace pages like a stalker.
Today is my birthday. Maybe today would be a good day to call? Not knowing which direction I’ve sent both our lives spiraling in is destroying me from within.
I read PostSecret.com frequently. I often check the site as soon as they update. If I were to send in a secret, it would read “The only thing keeping me from cutting again is knowing that people at the gym would notice.”
It’s not life that’s pushing me down into this hole again. Life is good… it truly is. It’s that something that’s been eating away at my insides like a parasite I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s the death within this life… the unanswered “Why me”’s and the haunting “Not good enough”’s. Tonight I just want to hate, but I’m trying so hard not to.
It’s a good thing I can’t find my razor… I might just do something irrational.
I will lie awake
It’s over.
If God’s going to tell me that I’m making a horrible mistake, now would be a great time for him to do so.
What happened? We met after work and went to Denny’s (it was the only place open this late at night). Conversation was light at first, but then we got on the topic of our relationship. I decided we had grown too far apart… Unfortunately, my feelings and my ultimate decision were not shared.
It’s funny… Just the other night I thought everything would be ok, everything would be mutual, but it was anything but that tonight. It was mature, but very emotional. I didn’t want to leave without being able to answer any questions, but there were so many things I just couldn’t explain. Guess I forgot for a while what life is really like.
This was the single hardest decision of my life… this was the one of saddest days of my life… this was one of the most important days of my life…
I almost regret it… I almost want to call and say that I’ve made a terrible mistake and that we should forget any of this ever happened, but I’m still clinging to the reasoning I’d done in my head so many times over the past few months: that this would be for the best. I just wish I could feel the same way I think.
I’ll never forget the tears that were shed in my car while driving back. Though none of them were my own, I still wish I could claim that some were. I still haven’t cried since I was 8, but tonight was the closest I’ve ever been since then, and the most I’ve ever wanted to.
*sigh* …Now all that’s left is the fallout, and all the misunderstandings and all the rumors and all the dirty looks and the people who wish to remain ignorant of my side of the story and all the friends I’ll most inevitably lose.
I guess this is what doing the right thing is really like.
…At least I don’t feel like cutting.
Have you passed through this night?
Well, my friend and I have certainly been seeing each other very much over the past few days. People are starting to notice, too — I can hear their comments. While they joke about it, I don’t want them to think that I might be cheating with my friend or anything. I’m trying to be completely honest throughout this… We really are just friends. But even as objective as I’m trying to remain about us, little gestures dropped like breadcrumbs seem to tell a different tale.
What is cheating though? Where does the line lie? Considering how I feel about this person, would simply wanting to spend time with them be considered such? There’s nothing suggestive being said and no moves being made. I feel like such a terrible person though… but we haven’t done anything that friends wouldn’t do. We just do these things a lot more often that most other friends.
Apart from relationships, I’m realizing that I’ve never been so confused and so in doubt of who I am and how I feel. The first time I struggled with this depression, if that’s what this truly is, at least I knew for sure what I was feeling. Since this darkness in me has returned, I smile and laugh, yet die inside while my confidence lifts me up and this anxiousness in my heart tears me down. I relax, I remain calm, I let my worries dissipate yet at the same time I’m clawing at my own skin, shrinking into my corner from some irrational fear. I need to know where this duality comes from, yet I need to simply accept it as it is and work with it.
Is this how people with personality disorders feel? Perhaps there’s something medically wrong with me? That would certainly explain a lot.
This poison is slowly creeping through my nerves, deadening the senses and tightening the airways. Seems I haven’t gotten it all out of me yet. It’s okay though… I know just the thing to help rid me of this poisoned blood. Maybe I’ll be too tired before I get to, though… I’m running on about 3.5 hours of sleep today.
So many questions, Jordan. How did you get here? Find your own answers.
Call me a safe bet… I’ll bet that I’m not.
I’m having second thoughts. I knew I would, too. As I think about my relationship situation and what I’ve been planning to do, another side of me grabs hold, shakes me and says “Are you seriously going to do this? I thought you were in love?”
I thought I was too. I’m still not so sure. I’m not at the fork in the road yet, though… Not just yet. Once I’m back home I’ll be in my right mind to decide.
I hate the way I must sound… I must sound as if I’m trying to decide which brand of cereal to purchase at the supermarket. I feel as if I’m some high-school kid moving on to the next unsuspecting victim. And who will understand me if I do this? Who won’t think that I am the asshole, breaking up something beautiful for someone I just met a couple months ago? Nobody would understand. Everyone would get the wrong idea and nobody would bother to find out.
I could lie… I could say that it was my heart that was broken… but then how would I live with myself?
But this is almost something I need to do. I’ve been thinking this since before I even met this person… I’ve just been to afraid, too hopeful. This is something I’d be doing for myself.
Life, otherwise, seems to be tightening it’s grip. Finals are coming up, and I’ve been occupied by procrastination and the war-weary state of my mind, where two sides have been fighting for years, it seems. This smog is choking me… I need focus and clarity, two things I’ve found scarce in this battlefield.
I’ve also no desire to bleed tonight. Which is a good thing, I suppose.
