I will lie awake
It’s over.
If God’s going to tell me that I’m making a horrible mistake, now would be a great time for him to do so.
What happened? We met after work and went to Denny’s (it was the only place open this late at night). Conversation was light at first, but then we got on the topic of our relationship. I decided we had grown too far apart… Unfortunately, my feelings and my ultimate decision were not shared.
It’s funny… Just the other night I thought everything would be ok, everything would be mutual, but it was anything but that tonight. It was mature, but very emotional. I didn’t want to leave without being able to answer any questions, but there were so many things I just couldn’t explain. Guess I forgot for a while what life is really like.
This was the single hardest decision of my life… this was the one of saddest days of my life… this was one of the most important days of my life…
I almost regret it… I almost want to call and say that I’ve made a terrible mistake and that we should forget any of this ever happened, but I’m still clinging to the reasoning I’d done in my head so many times over the past few months: that this would be for the best. I just wish I could feel the same way I think.
I’ll never forget the tears that were shed in my car while driving back. Though none of them were my own, I still wish I could claim that some were. I still haven’t cried since I was 8, but tonight was the closest I’ve ever been since then, and the most I’ve ever wanted to.
*sigh* …Now all that’s left is the fallout, and all the misunderstandings and all the rumors and all the dirty looks and the people who wish to remain ignorant of my side of the story and all the friends I’ll most inevitably lose.
I guess this is what doing the right thing is really like.
…At least I don’t feel like cutting.
A torch should take care of this house of cards…
A piercing lack of sense of self pervades me today. I feel almost paranoid… trapped in this vast expanse. I believe this beast has pulled me into his hole tonight. When did he revive? When did he feed? He seems so strong… Stronger than I remember.
I must escape once again… but, there’s so much left to do here, in both worlds. This friendship I’ve drugged myself with has buried itself within my skin… I feel as though it’s become infected, feeding its toxins through these veins of mine. A part of me tells me that amputation of this infected limb is my only salvation… The other part, with whom I’ve allied myself for now, tells me I need to fight through the fever.
Both sides tell me that something must come undone. Perhaps this security I’ve built for myself over the years was false… These walls certainly seem to be closing in fast.
Am I afraid of commitment? No, not at all… It was commitment who saved me once upon a time.
I must make a decision. Lovers over friends, or friends over lovers… But the resulting fallout could be avoided by burning both bridges.
Soon this razor-wielding hand shall bear a torch instead of this razor. But tonight… tonight I need to feel.
…I saw I Am Legend tonight. Loved it.
Have you passed through this night?
Well, my friend and I have certainly been seeing each other very much over the past few days. People are starting to notice, too — I can hear their comments. While they joke about it, I don’t want them to think that I might be cheating with my friend or anything. I’m trying to be completely honest throughout this… We really are just friends. But even as objective as I’m trying to remain about us, little gestures dropped like breadcrumbs seem to tell a different tale.
What is cheating though? Where does the line lie? Considering how I feel about this person, would simply wanting to spend time with them be considered such? There’s nothing suggestive being said and no moves being made. I feel like such a terrible person though… but we haven’t done anything that friends wouldn’t do. We just do these things a lot more often that most other friends.
Apart from relationships, I’m realizing that I’ve never been so confused and so in doubt of who I am and how I feel. The first time I struggled with this depression, if that’s what this truly is, at least I knew for sure what I was feeling. Since this darkness in me has returned, I smile and laugh, yet die inside while my confidence lifts me up and this anxiousness in my heart tears me down. I relax, I remain calm, I let my worries dissipate yet at the same time I’m clawing at my own skin, shrinking into my corner from some irrational fear. I need to know where this duality comes from, yet I need to simply accept it as it is and work with it.
Is this how people with personality disorders feel? Perhaps there’s something medically wrong with me? That would certainly explain a lot.
This poison is slowly creeping through my nerves, deadening the senses and tightening the airways. Seems I haven’t gotten it all out of me yet. It’s okay though… I know just the thing to help rid me of this poisoned blood. Maybe I’ll be too tired before I get to, though… I’m running on about 3.5 hours of sleep today.
So many questions, Jordan. How did you get here? Find your own answers.
Call me a safe bet… I’ll bet that I’m not.
I’m having second thoughts. I knew I would, too. As I think about my relationship situation and what I’ve been planning to do, another side of me grabs hold, shakes me and says “Are you seriously going to do this? I thought you were in love?”
I thought I was too. I’m still not so sure. I’m not at the fork in the road yet, though… Not just yet. Once I’m back home I’ll be in my right mind to decide.
I hate the way I must sound… I must sound as if I’m trying to decide which brand of cereal to purchase at the supermarket. I feel as if I’m some high-school kid moving on to the next unsuspecting victim. And who will understand me if I do this? Who won’t think that I am the asshole, breaking up something beautiful for someone I just met a couple months ago? Nobody would understand. Everyone would get the wrong idea and nobody would bother to find out.
I could lie… I could say that it was my heart that was broken… but then how would I live with myself?
But this is almost something I need to do. I’ve been thinking this since before I even met this person… I’ve just been to afraid, too hopeful. This is something I’d be doing for myself.
Life, otherwise, seems to be tightening it’s grip. Finals are coming up, and I’ve been occupied by procrastination and the war-weary state of my mind, where two sides have been fighting for years, it seems. This smog is choking me… I need focus and clarity, two things I’ve found scarce in this battlefield.
I’ve also no desire to bleed tonight. Which is a good thing, I suppose.
Lost, without a map…
Walking down these familiar corridors, I pause and wonder how I got to where I am. I pause and wonder why I continue to press on… To fight a foe unseen, the creature calling my name from the darkness? The voice I believed had been slain? I’ve awoken here with no memory of my journey. Perhaps my presence in these halls is destiny.
Yet as I peruse these galleries, smattered with bloodstained murals painted once upon a time in hatred and bitterness, an old friend seems to stalk up behind me, greeting me with cold fingers, familiar fingers, fingers with the power comfort and destroy. Logic bids me to turn and run and never return, to erase this memory forever. But as sight has shown me, logic is another friend which cannot be trusted. This gallery, these corridors, should already be no more.
So I slow and greet this old stalking friend. He smiles to me, and we continue to peruse down darker hallways even as he pushes these old, rusted daggers deep into my chest. “Remember despair?” He asks of me. “Funny you should ask,” as I begin my tale.
What is it, descending down these torch-lit stairwells that I find so irresistable? What’s been calling me lately? Perhaps it’s been those poison hallucinations? Could it have been these deceitful apparitions which had fooled me into believing such a fortress could be toppled forever, brushing me with their numbing tendrils, now tugging at this armor which had once served me so well?
Or perhaps its all a daydream? Perhaps I’ve rebuilt this stronghold with my own hands, in some sort of sick monument to those who once had to slay their own dragon and banish it into their own abyss?
The world is cold and this fire I’ve built down here in these old ruins has begun to dim. I fear the night and what it brings. Did the stranger and The Other push me down here accidentally? Or had I been searching for the entrance this whole time?
I truly haven’t forgotten. I can never forget. A part of me wishes to, but another knows better. It knows that were it possible, it would have been done by now.
Woe is me, for I am undone. And lost without a map, to boot.
Mind reader
There’s a thorn in my side… a thought I just can’t expel.
I went out with a friend today, and bought some new clothes. I was in pretty desperate need before today, so I’m glad I got the chance. It’s so sad that I’ll be leaving to go back home so soon… We’ve become quite close over the past few months. At least I’ll be back here early next year.
It’s such a funny friendship. We’re so much alike, it’s unbelievable. Though we’ve come from different homes a thousand miles apart, we share so much with each other. We like the same things, we dislike the same things, we enjoy talking about the same things and doing the same things together. Of course we’re not exactly alike, but we’ve really only discovered four or five major things we disagree on, and that’s based on a very loose definition of “major.” We’re different enough to keep it interesting, but we have scarily similar personalities.
This person is… well, astonishing. Our conversations, incredible. The times we’ve shared, amazing. I can’t seem to get enough of their company… I can’t help but think, were we not bound by such a wearisome title…
Thus presenting me with quite the dilemma. I am already in a relationship. A great one. One that’s lasted for four years… But we were never so alike. But then again, who is, once you reach a certain point? I hate myself for even considering undoing four years and the heart of someone I think I love. But what is love? Better yet, what would I be missing should I do such a thing? Or what would I be missing should I choose to stay where I am? Would there even be a chance between by and my “friend”? How could I be such a terrible person? But this is my life… what would be so terrible about trying to make it just a little better?
But even before we met, I couldn’t escape the pressing thoughts that I and my lover were so different. But if we were truly so incompatible, how did we last for so long? Perhaps we’ve simply changed since the day we’ve met?
Could I only read minds, perhaps I wouldn’t be forced to choose… perhaps this decision could be made for me. Could I only be strong, perhaps I could make the most difficult decision of my life.
Dear God, what’s the answer to this riddle?
