A Three-Legged Workhorse
I suck at keeping a blog.
So much has happened since I’ve started this. I’ve ended a relationship… started a new one… become engaged… graduated college… Changed the entire course of my life, even.
So much has happeend.
I am Jordan… you will never know me…
Just nothing…
It feels like a long time since I’ve written anything.
I’m not sure what’s possessed me to write tonight… perhaps it’s the alcohol in my blood.
I know it’s only been a couple posts since I’ve posted while I was intoxicated, but look at the dates — it’s been that long since I’ve drank anything.
Hmm… and I have classes tomorrow. I haven’t had that much… I hope I’ll be ok.
Lucid dreaming. Are you familiar with it? I’ve been talking with my significant other’s sister about it lately… She’s gotten into it too. I’m not sure she’s into it as much as I am, but I have my suspicions. She’s been keeping a dream journal of sorts… Her pleasant dreams she writes down, and her nightmares she illustrates. She’s quite the talented artists, so I hope I have the chance to see some of her dream-inspired works someday.
In any case… life is good right now. Yet, I can’t help but feel that the tides of change are coming soon.
Perhaps it’s just the ethanol speaking, though…
I feel like drawing, too. It’s unfortunate that I can’t link to my DeviantArt profile from here. No, that would expose my identity. I can’t have that. I’m not too bad of an artist myself… although I’ve been without my Wacom pen for almost a year, now. My Intuos3 has been sitting in my bookshelf for that long, just begging for me to replace its pen.
I got my tax return recently… If I can manage it, perhaps I will.’
Anyway… I’m done. I apologize for the poor quality of my posts lately. I seem to be pretty boring…
It’s been nice out, lately. Hopefully I’ll get enogh sun before my class trip at the end of the semester.
…On Tracks of Never-Ending Light
Taking a nap today (my very, very easy day of the week, Tuesday/Thursday… Only one class at 9 and then I’m out!), I gave lucid dreaming a shot again. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it like I used to, though I didn’t quite make it all the way into REM. I could see the images in front of me, taunting me, eluding me like a playful schoolchild on the first warm day after a long winter… I reached out with my consciousness, the feeble arms granted to my budding dream body, yet I could not reach far enough. Soon the scene faded into black. Strange, random shapes burned into my retina, as I felt my equilibrium twist and tumble. Soon the familiar tightness in my chest and the emptiness in my lungs faded away, and I slipped gently back into the couch I had laid on. I was so close, just one breath away…
I was still tired after this so I just went back to sleep in the regular way. I dreamed strange dreams as though I was attending a different college, but with the same faces there. My mom was even working there, which I thought was funny. Excuse the random paragraph…
I later was in some kind of department store, presumably Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby, when I ran into my ex. Breaking through the awkwardness, perhaps knowing deep in my gut that this was only a dream, we spoke. My ex told me that there was nothing to worry about… that they were over me, and that there were no feelings of bitterness or hatred left behind. Though true, my ex began to shed tears through these words. So did I.
I wept, harder and more passionately than I have in a long, long time in my dreams.
In waking life, I haven’t been moved all the way to tears since I was 8 (though there have been time where I’ve been close).
I held my ex tightly, and whispered “I’m so sorry” over and over and over again.
I don’t remember much else of the dream… there was something about stunt driving and a car wreck, but it’s just fragments in my mind now.
…It’s funny. For a while now, I’ve been crying in just about every dream I’ve had and can remember.
Perhaps my body’s telling me that it needs to try it in waking life.
Just once.
Elephant
So. I’m back.
Quick update… I managed to survive Christmas break with only 2 new cuts on my arm. Seems that was all I needed to release whatever was in me at the time that needed to come out. I’m back at college for my last semester now, and am taking my MCAT prep course. Easiest semester I’ve had by far… so far. It’s going well, but I desperately need motivation to study outside the course… my organic chemistry skills are severely lacking.
I just had the sudden urge to update… I’ve had probably the equivalent of 8-9 shots of rum and have 4 snus in my mouth right now. Feels fucking wonderful… had I only someone to share the moment with.
I just hope this doesn’t carry over to tomorrow. I’ve got class in the morning.
…I think I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll have some more rum.
Heh. I hope my SO never finds this blog.
That’s all for tonight.
Child Song
Small posts, Jordan. Short, small posts. That’ll get you going on this thing again.
Well, the past few… several… well, many months have been good overall.
Pros:
I’m with someone I love and who loves me back
I’m still alive
I haven’t been cutting myself
My GPA is going up
However, things have not been sunny and perfect as of late!
Cons:
I’m still struggling to find a healthcare job
My grades have been suffering lately, within the past month or two, with no identifiable cause
Overall, it’s been good.
Real good.
Too good?
Nah.
That’s it for tonight. I’ve still got much studying to do!
There are some remedies worse than the disease
It certainly has been a while, hasn’t it?
Life hasn’t changed. I remain in the same situations as my previous post… Still the fleeting doubt, still the resolute belief that I’m doing what’s right, still the friendship that remains something more only on an ambiguous level. Still the exercise, still the diet plan, still the hunt for the perfect job, still the ever-increasing workload, and still the procrastination.
Life changes take too long to take hold… anyone else ever notice that?
I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much. After all, it seems as though life is defined not by how much grunt work one has, but what kind of grunt work one will inevitably have to do. It’s not that I’ve tired of doing such things… I simply wish there were more hours in the day, or that there was a place I could go to stop time and simply collect myself without losing precious hours.
I still have yet to speak to my ex since we’ve broken up. Yet, I’ve been checking their Facebook and MySpace pages like a stalker.
Today is my birthday. Maybe today would be a good day to call? Not knowing which direction I’ve sent both our lives spiraling in is destroying me from within.
I read PostSecret.com frequently. I often check the site as soon as they update. If I were to send in a secret, it would read “The only thing keeping me from cutting again is knowing that people at the gym would notice.”
It’s not life that’s pushing me down into this hole again. Life is good… it truly is. It’s that something that’s been eating away at my insides like a parasite I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s the death within this life… the unanswered “Why me”’s and the haunting “Not good enough”’s. Tonight I just want to hate, but I’m trying so hard not to.
It’s a good thing I can’t find my razor… I might just do something irrational.
Into your hurricane
It’s been a little while since we’ve broken up. How do I feel? Well, the short answer is that I feel the same. I still have the same uncertainties, I still feel the same way towards my ex as I did when I decided to break up, and I still believe I’m doing the right thing for us. Nothing’s changed. Only now there’s a thousand miles between us… We still haven’t talked either.
My parents found out, too and they’re trying to get involved… they really liked my ex, and they want us to get back together, but I’ve explained my situation and how I feel to them and, surprisingly, I think they actually listened to me. Whether or not they agreed with me completely is a different issue… but at least I feel like they understand a little bit more now. It’s something that’s new to me.
I don’t feel the same depression I did towards the end of this past year, which is another wonderful thing… Strangely enough though, that’s had little effect on my desire to cut myself. But, I feel like I can fight that urge now, and I have been. It’s been several weeks since the last time. Honestly, I think working out has helped in this aspect… I don’t want to have to wrap a bandage around my arm whenever I go to exercise, and the scars I already have are noticeable enough.
School’s going to be stressful this semester, I can feel it. I’m taking the Kaplan MCAT prep course and it’s going to cut a huge chunk out of my Tuesdays and Thursdays. So much for my social life… Although I suppose it’s worth it in the long run. Right?
I want to talk to my ex but I’m positive that feeling isn’t mutual. Still going to give it more time. Maybe next month.
All in all… this semester is going much better than I expected, so far.
Chase this light with me
Well I’m back at college. What a crazy Christmas break it’s been…
I’m surprised. No “I can’t believe you”’s? No “What are you thinking”’s? Seems like a lot of people didn’t even know about the breakup.
Haha, guess I’m just not as big of a deal as I thought… In a good way, that is.
Perhaps I’ve misjudged everyone…
My mother and I had somewhat of a falling out today, too, which I will discuss later. It’s good though… it needed to happen.
Do you ever feel cursed?
Well, I’ll be on the second leg of my flight home in just about 48 hours. Though I have expectations as to what will occur over the break, I’m trying to clear them out of my head. I’m in no situation to make big relationship decisions right now.
Right… Just going to play things out by ear. Perhaps I’ll have a total change of heart… though with as much thought and time as I’ve given this decision to break things off, it would certainly take a lot. There’s a chance I could just be feeling this way because we’ve been apart for so long… But most of what I’m feeling has been with me for almost the entire year now. This certainly isn’t just a fleeting thought.
Nevertheless, I’ll wait until I feel the time is right. Decisions like this shouldn’t be made otherwise.
*sigh* Two finals left…
