Suspended in a Sunbeam
Sometimes I find myself lost in these moments, thinking about my life. Not about anything in particular, just… my life.
So often we view our lives as fragile and meaningless. We see ourselves as temporal… impermanent, finite beings with little purpose outside of sustaining ourselves and those our minds have connected us to. “Why are we here? What good are we,” we ask ourselves, “that we should be gifted — or perhaps cursed — with the burden of life?”
It is moments such as these that I find myself on the outside, looking in. I feel as though I can see the stage of the earth as it twists upon its axis and dances within its orbit. The actors which populate this theater are us members of the human race. God sits in place of the sun, watching the dramatic improvisation unfold.
I see the strings of each man and woman, connected not the hands of some demented puppeteer, but to each other. For a moment I can see every action and every reaction caused by the pushing and pulling — the tightening and loosing — of each of these strings. I watch downwards to see these billions of actors sitting upon this crowded stage as they bump and struggle to stay on, to reach the center, to climb to the top, knocking and bumping fellow men and women off this stage as each presses inward. I look within and I see myself, fighting this same fight, still holding my own. Still hanging on, sometimes by several threads. Sometimes by just one.
I reach down and scream a voiceless cry to myself, beckoning that my body should join my mind here in the audience. We could watch together, in peace.
I weep for my own blood. I feel as though it is trapped within me. I must release it from its tomb, lest it wither away and speak to me no more.
I want to cut. But, I can’t. I still find occasions to wear clothes with short sleeves.
I am too controlled by the opinions of my peers… far too controlled. Perhaps contained is a more appropriate word…
…I’m not sick anymore. Except for this cough and the grossness in my throat. Ick.
I can’t believe I cheated on the one I love…
Again, the Light
Happy Thanksgiving! Though somewhat belated…
I’ve been drawing a lot, lately. It’s not that I’ve been bored, far from it. I’m staying over my significant other’s house for the weekend, until Sunday night. It seems as though I’ve a thought in my head, one which has taken shape without words and is wanting to escape. I suppose I’m trying to set it free, yet nothing I’ve drawn so far has done it.
Perhaps I should just go to bed and forget about it. Maybe I should read a book or play a game by myself…
I don’t know. Perhaps I’m slipping again. Amidst the comfort of this home and the warmth of my partner’s arms, I have unwittingly managed to feel lonesome. In these moments, I wish to disconnect myself from everyone around me. I wish to gather my things and say goodbye for good. “You thought you were a part of their lives,” my mind tells me, “but you never truly were, nor will you ever be. Loneliness is your calling, Jordan. Your destiny.”
Yet I must maintain this calm composure. I can’t give away these thoughts.
I guess I’m not as rational and level-headed as I’d like others to believe.
It’s been a while since the incident with my other friend. I feel as though I’ve just cheated on a test I forgot to study for, got an A, and gotten away with it right beneath the teacher’s eyes. I feel strangely free, yet unmistakeably empty. I’ve awoken from my dream standing alone in a familiar desert, endless on all sides; silent, save for the wind. I feel unworthy of life, yet I wish too strongly to continue living this lie, the lie that everything is fine, that I’m this wonderful person who’s so in love.
But it isn’t a lie… no. I am so in love. It was just a mistake.
I feel as though I write here in place of speaking to myself verbally, saving myself the trouble of sounding like a schizophrenic.
Funny though. When I was younger, in the midst of more trying times, I always wondered when I would snap and lose what frail sanity I had clung to.
…I am finished. Goodbye for now.
Schism
Well, I’m over the initial trauma of what happened a couple nights ago. If you could call it trauma… I suppose it was my own fault. Then again, it takes two, doesn’t it?
My mind is as a tornado, throwing debris and junk into all my vision perceives, tearing things apart, grinding away at the luster that had begun to catch my eye. Behind me, the dust seems to settle, leaving ruin and withered life.
The guilt comes in waves. Am I sad, angered, betrayed that a trusted friend would be in that situation with me? How could I be? I am filled with fear of this side of me, something which seems to have been spreading its malignant roots through my subconscious for far too long. I am filled with a sense of urgency, for I no longer see myself as a good person. I keep telling myself “You’re not like that… that’s not you. You’re not that kind of person.” But perhaps I am? Were I truly not, I wouldn’t be in this state of conflict.
I truly believed that I was better than that, that I had a stronger respect for love than that.
But should I really be surprised at my own humanity? I like to think I know the different sides I call “me.” I’ve long recognized a darkness in me, yet I seem to have severely underestimated its pervasiveness. This evil has penetrated its fingers deep into the core of who I am, to clench its grip upon the stripping of my inhibitions.
Now that I am aware at the extent of this side of me — manipulatively evil, filled with a sadistic disregard for the well-being of those I hold dear, and fueled by a blackened human nature — I am set to face a new battle. Long ago I had resolved to never let my fears control me again, to never let these things prevent me from doing what I feel is right.
Yet something within me wants to embrace this. A part of me finds release within the atrophy.
I won’t tell.
But, “to never let these things prevent me from doing what I feel is right”… Perhaps I should face this fear of losing what I’ve grown to love the most? Everything has a consequence, right? Shall I forfeit nature and elect to save myself from consequence this time?
Listen to me. I sound so over-dramatic.
I talked with the person I cheated with last night. We agree that it was a terrible mistake and have both vowed to never tell a soul. At least, not without making it a mutual decision first.
I have far too many secrets. I fear that they shall one day alienate me.
Since I’ve stopped, I have never wanted more to cut myself than I do now. A growing part of me feels as though I deserve it.
Silence
Hello. My name is Jordan.
I just made the biggest mistake of my entire life last night.
I slept with a friend of mine last night… And it wasn’t my significant other.
I cannot even begin to describe the shame I feel right now. What have I done? What the hell have I done? I’ve just risked the most important thing in my life.
We were so drunk… It was as though I was watching myself do all these things from the outside.
What the hell have I done?
I want to die. I will never be able to have the same respect for myself again.
What do I do now?
So embarassed to say it, but…
…The meaning of this blog is to free myself into feeling that I can be brutally honest. Right? Well… I’m going out for a quick smoke. Yes, feel free to cringe and throw dirt. I’m embarrassed to say it because I don’t “smoke” like people often imagine in their heads — I have a cigarette or two every three or four weeks, often longer. I go through about 2 packs a year.
While I’m quite aware of how bad smoking is for you, the whole experience of going out for a walk (even in the cold, like it is now) to get some solitude away from this place is incredibly refreshing to me. Today was very emotionally… trying. Two of my friends decided to have a little “intervention” dealing with me and my friend, but it was basically them drilling me with “Just admit that you’re cheating” and “This is what I think is really going on here…” Basic I’m-going-to-put-words-in-your-mouth-so-I-can-be-right kind of mentality. This also went on for the greater part of the evening, prior to the “intervention”.
Times such as these are the hardest. Since the darker days of my past, I’ll periodically go into recessions of sorts. Suddenly one day the world around me will turn shades of gray. Cynicality will veil my eyes for a while… self-worth and confidence will be beaten and thrown into their cages again for a while… I won’t be able to look people in the eye for a while…
My heart beats in despair, for tomorrow the sun may not rise to these veiled eyes.
What are you doing to fix yourself, Jordan?
Have you passed through this night?
Well, my friend and I have certainly been seeing each other very much over the past few days. People are starting to notice, too — I can hear their comments. While they joke about it, I don’t want them to think that I might be cheating with my friend or anything. I’m trying to be completely honest throughout this… We really are just friends. But even as objective as I’m trying to remain about us, little gestures dropped like breadcrumbs seem to tell a different tale.
What is cheating though? Where does the line lie? Considering how I feel about this person, would simply wanting to spend time with them be considered such? There’s nothing suggestive being said and no moves being made. I feel like such a terrible person though… but we haven’t done anything that friends wouldn’t do. We just do these things a lot more often that most other friends.
Apart from relationships, I’m realizing that I’ve never been so confused and so in doubt of who I am and how I feel. The first time I struggled with this depression, if that’s what this truly is, at least I knew for sure what I was feeling. Since this darkness in me has returned, I smile and laugh, yet die inside while my confidence lifts me up and this anxiousness in my heart tears me down. I relax, I remain calm, I let my worries dissipate yet at the same time I’m clawing at my own skin, shrinking into my corner from some irrational fear. I need to know where this duality comes from, yet I need to simply accept it as it is and work with it.
Is this how people with personality disorders feel? Perhaps there’s something medically wrong with me? That would certainly explain a lot.
This poison is slowly creeping through my nerves, deadening the senses and tightening the airways. Seems I haven’t gotten it all out of me yet. It’s okay though… I know just the thing to help rid me of this poisoned blood. Maybe I’ll be too tired before I get to, though… I’m running on about 3.5 hours of sleep today.
So many questions, Jordan. How did you get here? Find your own answers.
