…On Tracks of Never-Ending Light
Taking a nap today (my very, very easy day of the week, Tuesday/Thursday… Only one class at 9 and then I’m out!), I gave lucid dreaming a shot again. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it like I used to, though I didn’t quite make it all the way into REM. I could see the images in front of me, taunting me, eluding me like a playful schoolchild on the first warm day after a long winter… I reached out with my consciousness, the feeble arms granted to my budding dream body, yet I could not reach far enough. Soon the scene faded into black. Strange, random shapes burned into my retina, as I felt my equilibrium twist and tumble. Soon the familiar tightness in my chest and the emptiness in my lungs faded away, and I slipped gently back into the couch I had laid on. I was so close, just one breath away…
I was still tired after this so I just went back to sleep in the regular way. I dreamed strange dreams as though I was attending a different college, but with the same faces there. My mom was even working there, which I thought was funny. Excuse the random paragraph…
I later was in some kind of department store, presumably Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby, when I ran into my ex. Breaking through the awkwardness, perhaps knowing deep in my gut that this was only a dream, we spoke. My ex told me that there was nothing to worry about… that they were over me, and that there were no feelings of bitterness or hatred left behind. Though true, my ex began to shed tears through these words. So did I.
I wept, harder and more passionately than I have in a long, long time in my dreams.
In waking life, I haven’t been moved all the way to tears since I was 8 (though there have been time where I’ve been close).
I held my ex tightly, and whispered “I’m so sorry” over and over and over again.
I don’t remember much else of the dream… there was something about stunt driving and a car wreck, but it’s just fragments in my mind now.
…It’s funny. For a while now, I’ve been crying in just about every dream I’ve had and can remember.
Perhaps my body’s telling me that it needs to try it in waking life.
Just once.
Around the Fireplace
Well, I’m back. Too bad my home doesn’t have power. We’ve got a generator though, so it’s not so bad. At least I can shower… And, obviously, I have internet access.
My ex removed me as a facebook friend recently… I’m not sure exactly when, but I was reading their updates just a few weeks ago… so, it can’t have been that long since then.
I’m… not sure how I feel about it. One one hand, I can understand… We barely talk since we’ve broken up and I’m sure my ex is tired of receiving updates about me and my current interest. It’s interesting that several other friends have removed me as well. Call these dynamics silly politics if you will, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I don’t recall the pain I’ve caused this person. Though I still don’t regret my actions, I do still care about this person tremendously. As for the other friends who have removed me, I have other, much better friends than them. I’m growing tired of the drama around here anyway.
On top of this, I heard that there may be someone else involved now. Honestly, I sincerely hope so… I hope my ex finds that perfect someone, and soon… I think they could use it.
I don’t know. I suppose I am disappointed that a friendship couldn’t work out between us. Though, I cannot say that I’m surprised.
One of my other friends broke up with her boyfriend, recently. Now they are both dating other people… I’ve heard that the guy she’s dating isn’t such a great person, and it’s wearing on her.
It’s funny, the directions in which people change sometimes.
Myself included, I suppose.
I haven’t cut yet. I think I may be afraid to. In a sense I feel as though I have to be there emotionally for my family right now, as money is short and we haven’t had power for over a week now. Family bonds are funny, too. I’ve never (and still don’t) consider myself to be close to my family, yet I feel a sense of responsibility about them.
*sigh* I hope we get power soon. I need a true vacation right now.
On a good note, I managed to get all A’s this semester, despite one of my teachers being a bitch! Yay!
Cosmic Call
It’s over. I’m done. I’ve no desire to cut myself anymore. We’re almost together now… We’ve captured each others’ hearts.
Everything’s going so well…
Had I only not been forced to break a heart to get here…
I pray for lucidity if this is merely an elaborate dream.
Radiology
Today marks the second day of my 21-ness. Good for me!
I finally spoke to my ex today… It was somewhat of an accident, too. I sat down to eat dinner and suddenly I could swear I hear someone saying “Hello? Hello?” It seemed far away at first but then I realized that it was coming from my cell phone in my pocket… I had apparently sat on the send button and the phone redialed the last number I had called (I had attempted to call earlier in the day but didn’t get an answer).
Conversation wasn’t awkward, but it was quite emotional. We talked about how each of us had been doing since the breakup, what was new, that sort of thing… Suddenly while I was talking, I hear the sound of crying over the phone. My heart sunk… I began to feel sick.
After we hung up, every doubt I had ever had about deciding to end our relationship hit me at once… I remembered every happy moment we shared, every time we’d laughed together, every good thing we had going. For the first time since before we had even spoke about it, I felt a severe sense of doubt in my decision to end us. I wanted so badly to say “Just wait, just wait, I’ll be back in the summer and everything will be alright…” I wanted to make those tears stop so badly, because I knew they were because of me, because of what I decided.
I can always fix my relationships… But I can’t fix this, I can’t fix it because I know it needed to be broken.
The hardest thing is just standing back letting time do what I know will be best for both of us.
There are some remedies worse than the disease
It certainly has been a while, hasn’t it?
Life hasn’t changed. I remain in the same situations as my previous post… Still the fleeting doubt, still the resolute belief that I’m doing what’s right, still the friendship that remains something more only on an ambiguous level. Still the exercise, still the diet plan, still the hunt for the perfect job, still the ever-increasing workload, and still the procrastination.
Life changes take too long to take hold… anyone else ever notice that?
I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much. After all, it seems as though life is defined not by how much grunt work one has, but what kind of grunt work one will inevitably have to do. It’s not that I’ve tired of doing such things… I simply wish there were more hours in the day, or that there was a place I could go to stop time and simply collect myself without losing precious hours.
I still have yet to speak to my ex since we’ve broken up. Yet, I’ve been checking their Facebook and MySpace pages like a stalker.
Today is my birthday. Maybe today would be a good day to call? Not knowing which direction I’ve sent both our lives spiraling in is destroying me from within.
I read PostSecret.com frequently. I often check the site as soon as they update. If I were to send in a secret, it would read “The only thing keeping me from cutting again is knowing that people at the gym would notice.”
It’s not life that’s pushing me down into this hole again. Life is good… it truly is. It’s that something that’s been eating away at my insides like a parasite I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s the death within this life… the unanswered “Why me”’s and the haunting “Not good enough”’s. Tonight I just want to hate, but I’m trying so hard not to.
It’s a good thing I can’t find my razor… I might just do something irrational.
Cause baby I’m not all right when you go, I’m not fine
So what now? With what words does this new chapter of my life open?
I am currently in a mix of emotions. On one side, I’m not over it. I still feel terrible. I space out and sadden at thoughts of my ex. I can’t believe how much I’ve hurt this person whom I once loved. I want so badly to talk to my ex right now, just to see what’s going on, how we’re each dealing with this, and if we’re both feeling the same way right now. I want to know what we have both been up to — I know I’ve managed to keep busy, trying to keep my mind off this whole incident while I do some coping of my own… but what about my ex?
On the other side, I’m ready to move on. Granted I’ve had the chance to give this a whole lot more thought and time to let it sink in than my ex has… it feels like I’m getting over this rather quickly. One might say “Of course you are Jordan, you’re the one who ended the relationship.” My reply would be that when you’ve loved someone for over four years, no matter what the situation, it will still hurt at the end.
The bottom line is that I believe I’m doing the right thing. Though it hurts a whole lot, I believe that it’s for the best for both of us in the long run. The more time that passes between then and now, the more I think that this uneasy, unsure pain that grips my heart is simply my compassion for the heart I’ve had to break.
I do realize that believing in something doesn’t make it the truth. Perhaps I am wrong… I’d be willing to admit it if I started to see this situation from a different angle, and came to that realization. Then what would I do? Well, I’d do what’s right — try and get back together with my ex.
In any case… here I am now. Single.
It’s almost like having a birthday… I don’t feel single yet. Funny how that works.
I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone else for a while.
As for my college “friend”… Who knows. My whole life seems to change each time I go to and from that place. We’ll just have to wait and see.
…Notice how all the titles to my posts are lyrics from songs? That’s intentional.
Don’t you put me on the back burner
Still unsure… still feel like a jerk… still feel like I don’t deserve the air I’m breathing.
It hurts so much, I can’t describe it… but I still believe it’s right.
I will lie awake
It’s over.
If God’s going to tell me that I’m making a horrible mistake, now would be a great time for him to do so.
What happened? We met after work and went to Denny’s (it was the only place open this late at night). Conversation was light at first, but then we got on the topic of our relationship. I decided we had grown too far apart… Unfortunately, my feelings and my ultimate decision were not shared.
It’s funny… Just the other night I thought everything would be ok, everything would be mutual, but it was anything but that tonight. It was mature, but very emotional. I didn’t want to leave without being able to answer any questions, but there were so many things I just couldn’t explain. Guess I forgot for a while what life is really like.
This was the single hardest decision of my life… this was the one of saddest days of my life… this was one of the most important days of my life…
I almost regret it… I almost want to call and say that I’ve made a terrible mistake and that we should forget any of this ever happened, but I’m still clinging to the reasoning I’d done in my head so many times over the past few months: that this would be for the best. I just wish I could feel the same way I think.
I’ll never forget the tears that were shed in my car while driving back. Though none of them were my own, I still wish I could claim that some were. I still haven’t cried since I was 8, but tonight was the closest I’ve ever been since then, and the most I’ve ever wanted to.
*sigh* …Now all that’s left is the fallout, and all the misunderstandings and all the rumors and all the dirty looks and the people who wish to remain ignorant of my side of the story and all the friends I’ll most inevitably lose.
I guess this is what doing the right thing is really like.
…At least I don’t feel like cutting.
When darkness turns to light
Well, we talked.
Went to Panera… great place, just in general. Anyway, we discussed some huge issues… I revealed that I had been cutting myself, which was a huge leap for me. I was so scared! So we discussed that, and agreed that I needed to get help somehow or help myself. We agreed that I would call if I needed support, and I certainly will. We discussed how and why I started… I revealed basically everything concerning this habit that I’ve revealed here. As hard as it must’ve been to understand, there was a lot of positive reactions to my situation, which really helped.
After talking all about that which took up a good 45 minutes to an hour, I brought up how different we had grown. We talked all about what we want in a girl/guy, and how I needed to make sure I was secure, spiritually (That’s right, I’m Christian… albeit a very troubled one at this time :/). After talking about this for a long while — which was actually a very good discussion/conversation — we had to leave, because Panera was closing. We got out into the car and began driving back to my house… On the ride we discussed our personal differences. I basically made the point that we both need to step back and look at how each of us is changing, and try and decide whether or not we would still be changing in different directions in, say, 5 years. I said that we needed to put emotion aside and re-evaluate whether or not we were still good for each other, if the persons we had fallen in love with were still there.
And you know what happened? We both agreed. We had both been feeling the same way… I was just the first to initiate the discussion. We said that we needed to make sure that we weren’t just in this relationship out of habit, having been in it for the past 4 year, or whether or not we were truly still in love with who we had become.
Long story short, we will both be taking some time to make the one of the biggest decisions of both of our lives.
We talked after we got to my house… we walked out to the car. We kissed. We said “I love you.”‘
Now it’s time to decide if we still both know who “you” is… I thought I was sure before, though I told myself I wasn’t. Seems like I was right… I’m not sure. But it’s time to make a final decision.
I won’t be cutting tonight… I think I’m trying to quit now.
It’s the best time of the year
So, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. Yet, at least.
Having been back for a few days now, something inside me fails to see why I was planning to break off our relationship in the first place. Then again, another side of me remembers how I’ve been feeling about us since this past summer.
Maybe I’m just scared of hurting someone? Maybe I’m just scared of what everyone will think of me afterwards?
I just don’t think I’ll be happy. Though I’m in a great relationship with a great person, I’m just not sure anymore if it’s meant to be… It seems like we’ve just grown in different directions in the past couple of years, and I see no signs of us getting any more similar to each other in the future. We’re just different people now… the person I fell in love with once is simply no longer there.
This doesn’t even have anything to do with my friend from college anymore. It’s something I need to do for myself… I just wish that people would be able to understand afterwards.
We’re going to a Christmas party tomorrow (today?). It should be fun, but we’ll see what happens in the aftermath.
…Anyway, I started playing RF Online, per recommendation from several of my friends. It’s quite good, even considering the typical Korean MMORPG feel that it has. Haha, I’m not a nerd, am I?
Christmas is coming. I got a car yesterday! A green 2000 Grand Am, for $1500 at a car auction. I’m just wondering what’s wrong with it… trying not to get my hopes up too high. I’m going to pick it up on Wednesday… From what I was able to check out myself, it seems like it’s in pretty good condition. Now all I need is that job at the hospital this coming semester so I can pay for the insurance…
