Just nothing…
It feels like a long time since I’ve written anything.
I’m not sure what’s possessed me to write tonight… perhaps it’s the alcohol in my blood.
I know it’s only been a couple posts since I’ve posted while I was intoxicated, but look at the dates — it’s been that long since I’ve drank anything.
Hmm… and I have classes tomorrow. I haven’t had that much… I hope I’ll be ok.
Lucid dreaming. Are you familiar with it? I’ve been talking with my significant other’s sister about it lately… She’s gotten into it too. I’m not sure she’s into it as much as I am, but I have my suspicions. She’s been keeping a dream journal of sorts… Her pleasant dreams she writes down, and her nightmares she illustrates. She’s quite the talented artists, so I hope I have the chance to see some of her dream-inspired works someday.
In any case… life is good right now. Yet, I can’t help but feel that the tides of change are coming soon.
Perhaps it’s just the ethanol speaking, though…
I feel like drawing, too. It’s unfortunate that I can’t link to my DeviantArt profile from here. No, that would expose my identity. I can’t have that. I’m not too bad of an artist myself… although I’ve been without my Wacom pen for almost a year, now. My Intuos3 has been sitting in my bookshelf for that long, just begging for me to replace its pen.
I got my tax return recently… If I can manage it, perhaps I will.’
Anyway… I’m done. I apologize for the poor quality of my posts lately. I seem to be pretty boring…
It’s been nice out, lately. Hopefully I’ll get enogh sun before my class trip at the end of the semester.
Again, the Light
Happy Thanksgiving! Though somewhat belated…
I’ve been drawing a lot, lately. It’s not that I’ve been bored, far from it. I’m staying over my significant other’s house for the weekend, until Sunday night. It seems as though I’ve a thought in my head, one which has taken shape without words and is wanting to escape. I suppose I’m trying to set it free, yet nothing I’ve drawn so far has done it.
Perhaps I should just go to bed and forget about it. Maybe I should read a book or play a game by myself…
I don’t know. Perhaps I’m slipping again. Amidst the comfort of this home and the warmth of my partner’s arms, I have unwittingly managed to feel lonesome. In these moments, I wish to disconnect myself from everyone around me. I wish to gather my things and say goodbye for good. “You thought you were a part of their lives,” my mind tells me, “but you never truly were, nor will you ever be. Loneliness is your calling, Jordan. Your destiny.”
Yet I must maintain this calm composure. I can’t give away these thoughts.
I guess I’m not as rational and level-headed as I’d like others to believe.
It’s been a while since the incident with my other friend. I feel as though I’ve just cheated on a test I forgot to study for, got an A, and gotten away with it right beneath the teacher’s eyes. I feel strangely free, yet unmistakeably empty. I’ve awoken from my dream standing alone in a familiar desert, endless on all sides; silent, save for the wind. I feel unworthy of life, yet I wish too strongly to continue living this lie, the lie that everything is fine, that I’m this wonderful person who’s so in love.
But it isn’t a lie… no. I am so in love. It was just a mistake.
I feel as though I write here in place of speaking to myself verbally, saving myself the trouble of sounding like a schizophrenic.
Funny though. When I was younger, in the midst of more trying times, I always wondered when I would snap and lose what frail sanity I had clung to.
…I am finished. Goodbye for now.
Runaway
Depression is a funny thing, for me. It’s like a friend who only calls once in a while, but when he does he’s inviting himself over for a while because his roommate’s kicked him out or he can’t afford to pay his rent.
He’s called lately, and I can hear him knocking at the door.
He’s here, but I think that’s as close as I care to let him come. I’ve got too much going for me now.
I’ve been optimistic lately! However, saying this is somewhat misleading. I always come across as optimistic. Perhaps I feel that people will not accept me if I’m not always bringing something to the table… In this case, hope. So often inside, I’m expecting the worst.
If only it were that mankind didn’t value a person’s worth based on how much one can get out of the other before they part ways.
Perhaps I’ve been too cynical.
I’m taking a drawing class this semester, and it’s been wonderful! However, these hidden sides of me seem to find refuge in my artwork more often than not. I can’t help but wonder how my peers interpret this.
With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept
This song reminds me of lucid dreaming. I used to be an avid lucid dreamer… now it’s more or less an occasional hobby. It’s amazing, it’s spectacular, and it’s a lot of fun being able to control your dreams and whatnot, but a lot of the time I find myself content with simply allowing my mind to carry me on its journey, believing in the fallacy it presents for the night. Plus it takes an extra 2-3 hours a night for me to pull off, and I simply haven’t had the time.
What is lucid dreaming, you might ask? Well, if you look here or here. Some places make it sound like some sort of cheesy infomercial product, but it’s really a wonderful and amazing “feature” of our mind. Once you come to the realization that you are dreaming while within the dream itself, there are essentially no bounds to what you can do with your dream. Not to brag, but I happen to be quite proficient at lucid dreaming and dream control. I have developed my own technique to initiate a lucid dream which has only failed me once or twice in the past… Pretty good, considering the average success rate of the best techniques is around 60% for most people.
In any case… I went rock climbing today! That was fun… my “friend” went with me. Awkward moment today too, by the way… one of my friends who is stuck on the suspicion that we are secretly dating comes in my dorm while we are watching House, sits between us and says “Aw what the heck, you guys are just friends, right?” Neither of us said anything… After a short while he said “Ok, ok, I can take a hint you guys!” and then he got up and left. I wasn’t sure how to react to that little incident… I really am not sure I’m ready for this friend of mine to know how I feel. Plus, I’m not sure that they feel the same way at all… it seems like they do a lot of the time, but that could simply be them being extra friendly, seeing as we’re so close.
I’m planning on inviting this friend to go out on Valentine’s Eve, though. I do hope they agree!
I certainly am enjoying being 21. Parrot Bay Rum sure is good… I feel terrible for saying that I’ve been drinking, but it’s only a little bit and I just turned 21… It’s a good excuse to have a little. Right? Besides, I’m not drunk or anything.
I was working on an awesome picture on Facebook’s Graffiti application with my graphics tablet today and the page changed on me while I was nearing completion of my picture. I was SO mad, you wouldn’t even believe it! Working out seemed to do a good job of curing my stress, though.
