Anesthetics prior to the first incision
Is it wrong to hate myself for what I feel I need to do?
On one hand, I absolutely, totally, completely, and with everything within me, hate the way this is going to hurt my SO. I hate it. But, I can’t bear the thought of us staying together simply because I didn’t have the guts to do something that I felt was right for myself. This would make for an unhappy life.
It’s good to be back, though. I’ve been trying to take it easy for the past couple days… Oh, good news! My diet’s over, too, as of Tuesday. Why was I dieting, you ask? Well, not because I’m fat… not by a long shot. Anyone would say I was just right. However, I have a certain body type in mind and I’m simply not there yet. I’m close, but not quite there. I just had to drop my body fat percentage a few points, and now I’ve got to hit the gym and start exercising. It’s a nice two-phase program I’ve developed for myself. I could’ve tried to exercise and lose weight at the same time, but that would’ve sapped me of precious energy and time needed for things like studying and retaining consciousness during everyday activities.
Too bad I won’t say how much I lost, though. That would be revealing just a little more about myself than I’m comfortable with… in an indirect way, at least.
I must be bipolar… I’m happy about so many things, yet some things just seem to be causing me so much pain still. As I’ve said, I remember why I wanted to go so far away in the first place… I hate being back around some of these same people. But there are also several I’ve been eager to see, like my brother. Though we’ve been at each other’s throats for most of our lives, several big things happened between us and now he’s one of my best friends. It’s wonderful, actually…
And then there are my parents. Though they don’t fight as much anymore, their attitudes towards me and my brother haven’t changed one bit.
…I think I might cut tonight.
But why? I almost feel fine… almost. It’s as if this cut I’m about to make is the one step between me and “fine” tonight.
It’s too bad, though. It’s been almost a week since the last time. Perhaps I’m bipolar? What’s driving me to do this?
Bright eyes
What an unusually great day… academically, at least. Though I am making every attempt to stay anonymous, I will say that I am currently attending college. Somewhere. 
I took a very difficult test today and I feel like I did very well! I also hope that the paper I submitted gets a high grade.
Apart from academics, there’s still this thorn in my side. I believe I know what I must do. We’ve grown farther apart than the distance that separates us, and both of us can feel it. Perhaps we’ve always felt it; but we can no longer deny it. Would I be willing to accept the consequences if I’m wrong, though?
