Just nothing…
It feels like a long time since I’ve written anything.
I’m not sure what’s possessed me to write tonight… perhaps it’s the alcohol in my blood.
I know it’s only been a couple posts since I’ve posted while I was intoxicated, but look at the dates — it’s been that long since I’ve drank anything.
Hmm… and I have classes tomorrow. I haven’t had that much… I hope I’ll be ok.
Lucid dreaming. Are you familiar with it? I’ve been talking with my significant other’s sister about it lately… She’s gotten into it too. I’m not sure she’s into it as much as I am, but I have my suspicions. She’s been keeping a dream journal of sorts… Her pleasant dreams she writes down, and her nightmares she illustrates. She’s quite the talented artists, so I hope I have the chance to see some of her dream-inspired works someday.
In any case… life is good right now. Yet, I can’t help but feel that the tides of change are coming soon.
Perhaps it’s just the ethanol speaking, though…
I feel like drawing, too. It’s unfortunate that I can’t link to my DeviantArt profile from here. No, that would expose my identity. I can’t have that. I’m not too bad of an artist myself… although I’ve been without my Wacom pen for almost a year, now. My Intuos3 has been sitting in my bookshelf for that long, just begging for me to replace its pen.
I got my tax return recently… If I can manage it, perhaps I will.’
Anyway… I’m done. I apologize for the poor quality of my posts lately. I seem to be pretty boring…
It’s been nice out, lately. Hopefully I’ll get enogh sun before my class trip at the end of the semester.
Kiri
¡Estoy aprendiendo español! Pero no soy muy bueno en eso todavía…
Okay so maybe I used Google translation to help me out with those sentences…
In any case, I managed to get a hold of the most recent version of Rosetta Stone and the Latin American Spanish packs. I’m not very far yet, but I’m excited to be! I’ve started practicing rolling my “rr”’s too. I can get it a little, but it doesn’t sound right… I hope I’m not doing it wrong accidentally? Nah I’m sure it’ll just take some practice to get it to sound right.
…I’ve come a long way, haven’t I?
Were it only that I didn’t still feel so different from everyone else around me. What’s so special about me, anyway? Nothing…
Perhaps I want to be?
Burial on the Presidio Banks
I remember a time where the only thing that consumed my thoughts was death… that I should die, be slain by some tragic misfortune — the sapling of an oak, cut short far from its time; long before it was ever given the chance to blossom and grow into a mighty figure, lifting its limbs high into the sky, stretching its leaves wide… well, oaks don’t have wide leaves but that’s beside the point.
I’ve come a long way since those days. I don’t wish such a fate upon myself anymore… I want to live, to love, to see the world, to marry and have children, to teach them and give them wonderful lives and be a wonderful parent, avoiding the same mistakes my parents made with me…
After I came to the conclusion I wouldn’t kill myself, I began to wonder, in those tortuous, scarring moments, how much more my mind could take. When would I break? When would I lose myself to the bitterness and anger which flowed in place of blood through my veins?
Again I wished for death. Not for myself, but for those around me… no, it wasn’t death I wished for, it was pain. I wanted them to know just how they made me feel… How else, though could I grant them this understanding? I figured I’d have to do something drastic, impulsive, in a frenzied state of mind when sanity had lost its value. I wanted so badly to lash out, to let the red in my vision be all there was between these hands which thirsted for blood and them…
Then years passed. Things got better.
But we humans, we never truly forget, do we? I still feel this beast, caged, tombed beneath the sands of my past.
But don’t worry. Every now and then it just likes to rattle its cage a bit… those bars will hold.
That doesn’t explain this useless rant. My apologies… goodbye.
