…On Tracks of Never-Ending Light
Taking a nap today (my very, very easy day of the week, Tuesday/Thursday… Only one class at 9 and then I’m out!), I gave lucid dreaming a shot again. Seems like I’m getting the hang of it like I used to, though I didn’t quite make it all the way into REM. I could see the images in front of me, taunting me, eluding me like a playful schoolchild on the first warm day after a long winter… I reached out with my consciousness, the feeble arms granted to my budding dream body, yet I could not reach far enough. Soon the scene faded into black. Strange, random shapes burned into my retina, as I felt my equilibrium twist and tumble. Soon the familiar tightness in my chest and the emptiness in my lungs faded away, and I slipped gently back into the couch I had laid on. I was so close, just one breath away…
I was still tired after this so I just went back to sleep in the regular way. I dreamed strange dreams as though I was attending a different college, but with the same faces there. My mom was even working there, which I thought was funny. Excuse the random paragraph…
I later was in some kind of department store, presumably Wal-Mart or Hobby Lobby, when I ran into my ex. Breaking through the awkwardness, perhaps knowing deep in my gut that this was only a dream, we spoke. My ex told me that there was nothing to worry about… that they were over me, and that there were no feelings of bitterness or hatred left behind. Though true, my ex began to shed tears through these words. So did I.
I wept, harder and more passionately than I have in a long, long time in my dreams.
In waking life, I haven’t been moved all the way to tears since I was 8 (though there have been time where I’ve been close).
I held my ex tightly, and whispered “I’m so sorry” over and over and over again.
I don’t remember much else of the dream… there was something about stunt driving and a car wreck, but it’s just fragments in my mind now.
…It’s funny. For a while now, I’ve been crying in just about every dream I’ve had and can remember.
Perhaps my body’s telling me that it needs to try it in waking life.
Just once.
Elephant
So. I’m back.
Quick update… I managed to survive Christmas break with only 2 new cuts on my arm. Seems that was all I needed to release whatever was in me at the time that needed to come out. I’m back at college for my last semester now, and am taking my MCAT prep course. Easiest semester I’ve had by far… so far. It’s going well, but I desperately need motivation to study outside the course… my organic chemistry skills are severely lacking.
I just had the sudden urge to update… I’ve had probably the equivalent of 8-9 shots of rum and have 4 snus in my mouth right now. Feels fucking wonderful… had I only someone to share the moment with.
I just hope this doesn’t carry over to tomorrow. I’ve got class in the morning.
…I think I’ll be fine. Maybe I’ll have some more rum.
Heh. I hope my SO never finds this blog.
That’s all for tonight.
