Cosmic Call
It’s over. I’m done. I’ve no desire to cut myself anymore. We’re almost together now… We’ve captured each others’ hearts.
Everything’s going so well…
Had I only not been forced to break a heart to get here…
I pray for lucidity if this is merely an elaborate dream.
We’re in this together
I went out with my friend tonight.
How did it go?
It was great… it was wonderful… it wasn’t at all awkward… and best of all, it was mutual.
…But it’s too soon. We’re not ready.
Not yet anyway.
With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept
This song reminds me of lucid dreaming. I used to be an avid lucid dreamer… now it’s more or less an occasional hobby. It’s amazing, it’s spectacular, and it’s a lot of fun being able to control your dreams and whatnot, but a lot of the time I find myself content with simply allowing my mind to carry me on its journey, believing in the fallacy it presents for the night. Plus it takes an extra 2-3 hours a night for me to pull off, and I simply haven’t had the time.
What is lucid dreaming, you might ask? Well, if you look here or here. Some places make it sound like some sort of cheesy infomercial product, but it’s really a wonderful and amazing “feature” of our mind. Once you come to the realization that you are dreaming while within the dream itself, there are essentially no bounds to what you can do with your dream. Not to brag, but I happen to be quite proficient at lucid dreaming and dream control. I have developed my own technique to initiate a lucid dream which has only failed me once or twice in the past… Pretty good, considering the average success rate of the best techniques is around 60% for most people.
In any case… I went rock climbing today! That was fun… my “friend” went with me. Awkward moment today too, by the way… one of my friends who is stuck on the suspicion that we are secretly dating comes in my dorm while we are watching House, sits between us and says “Aw what the heck, you guys are just friends, right?” Neither of us said anything… After a short while he said “Ok, ok, I can take a hint you guys!” and then he got up and left. I wasn’t sure how to react to that little incident… I really am not sure I’m ready for this friend of mine to know how I feel. Plus, I’m not sure that they feel the same way at all… it seems like they do a lot of the time, but that could simply be them being extra friendly, seeing as we’re so close.
I’m planning on inviting this friend to go out on Valentine’s Eve, though. I do hope they agree!
I certainly am enjoying being 21. Parrot Bay Rum sure is good… I feel terrible for saying that I’ve been drinking, but it’s only a little bit and I just turned 21… It’s a good excuse to have a little. Right? Besides, I’m not drunk or anything.
I was working on an awesome picture on Facebook’s Graffiti application with my graphics tablet today and the page changed on me while I was nearing completion of my picture. I was SO mad, you wouldn’t even believe it! Working out seemed to do a good job of curing my stress, though.
Lovedrug – Pretend You’re Alive
Oh summer life,
oh summer life,
crawling with these worms,
you’re afraid of all their germs.
oh bask in life,
oh bask in life,
the weather gonna swallow you into the great divide,
oh enjoy life,
oh enjoy life,
climbing up those trees and breaking all your knees.
Watch angels in the morning become a devil’s afternoon.
I will picnic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you’re alive again.
Now autumn brings the beautiful things,
where all you give comes back to you like the crown upon my king.
Your life’s a song,
so sing along before the silence swallows you and leaves you like a pawn,
watch angels in the morning become a devil’s afternoon,
I will panic in the evening underneath the crashing moon.
So fall in love while you can still hold your head up high,
and pretend that you’re alive again.
It’s friends that leave you here in the end,
so hold your head up high and pretend that you’re alive.
Your friends,
now ghosts,
are screaming “Bury us,” they said,
while panicking,
my mind was broken.
Radiology
Today marks the second day of my 21-ness. Good for me!
I finally spoke to my ex today… It was somewhat of an accident, too. I sat down to eat dinner and suddenly I could swear I hear someone saying “Hello? Hello?” It seemed far away at first but then I realized that it was coming from my cell phone in my pocket… I had apparently sat on the send button and the phone redialed the last number I had called (I had attempted to call earlier in the day but didn’t get an answer).
Conversation wasn’t awkward, but it was quite emotional. We talked about how each of us had been doing since the breakup, what was new, that sort of thing… Suddenly while I was talking, I hear the sound of crying over the phone. My heart sunk… I began to feel sick.
After we hung up, every doubt I had ever had about deciding to end our relationship hit me at once… I remembered every happy moment we shared, every time we’d laughed together, every good thing we had going. For the first time since before we had even spoke about it, I felt a severe sense of doubt in my decision to end us. I wanted so badly to say “Just wait, just wait, I’ll be back in the summer and everything will be alright…” I wanted to make those tears stop so badly, because I knew they were because of me, because of what I decided.
I can always fix my relationships… But I can’t fix this, I can’t fix it because I know it needed to be broken.
The hardest thing is just standing back letting time do what I know will be best for both of us.
There are some remedies worse than the disease
It certainly has been a while, hasn’t it?
Life hasn’t changed. I remain in the same situations as my previous post… Still the fleeting doubt, still the resolute belief that I’m doing what’s right, still the friendship that remains something more only on an ambiguous level. Still the exercise, still the diet plan, still the hunt for the perfect job, still the ever-increasing workload, and still the procrastination.
Life changes take too long to take hold… anyone else ever notice that?
I suppose I shouldn’t expect too much. After all, it seems as though life is defined not by how much grunt work one has, but what kind of grunt work one will inevitably have to do. It’s not that I’ve tired of doing such things… I simply wish there were more hours in the day, or that there was a place I could go to stop time and simply collect myself without losing precious hours.
I still have yet to speak to my ex since we’ve broken up. Yet, I’ve been checking their Facebook and MySpace pages like a stalker.
Today is my birthday. Maybe today would be a good day to call? Not knowing which direction I’ve sent both our lives spiraling in is destroying me from within.
I read PostSecret.com frequently. I often check the site as soon as they update. If I were to send in a secret, it would read “The only thing keeping me from cutting again is knowing that people at the gym would notice.”
It’s not life that’s pushing me down into this hole again. Life is good… it truly is. It’s that something that’s been eating away at my insides like a parasite I’ve had for as long as I can remember. It’s the death within this life… the unanswered “Why me”’s and the haunting “Not good enough”’s. Tonight I just want to hate, but I’m trying so hard not to.
It’s a good thing I can’t find my razor… I might just do something irrational.
