The only moment we were alone
I’m being carried. Not as by a benevolent guide or a malignant spirit, but as if I were lifted off my feet in a whirlwind, sucked from the middle of nowhere and tossed into the unknown. I’m drifting, letting some unseen hands guide my fall. I have rudders and sails, yet I’m choosing not to use them at this moment, for now is not the time as I wait for this trap to be sprung.
When shall I open my eyes?
Into your hurricane
It’s been a little while since we’ve broken up. How do I feel? Well, the short answer is that I feel the same. I still have the same uncertainties, I still feel the same way towards my ex as I did when I decided to break up, and I still believe I’m doing the right thing for us. Nothing’s changed. Only now there’s a thousand miles between us… We still haven’t talked either.
My parents found out, too and they’re trying to get involved… they really liked my ex, and they want us to get back together, but I’ve explained my situation and how I feel to them and, surprisingly, I think they actually listened to me. Whether or not they agreed with me completely is a different issue… but at least I feel like they understand a little bit more now. It’s something that’s new to me.
I don’t feel the same depression I did towards the end of this past year, which is another wonderful thing… Strangely enough though, that’s had little effect on my desire to cut myself. But, I feel like I can fight that urge now, and I have been. It’s been several weeks since the last time. Honestly, I think working out has helped in this aspect… I don’t want to have to wrap a bandage around my arm whenever I go to exercise, and the scars I already have are noticeable enough.
School’s going to be stressful this semester, I can feel it. I’m taking the Kaplan MCAT prep course and it’s going to cut a huge chunk out of my Tuesdays and Thursdays. So much for my social life… Although I suppose it’s worth it in the long run. Right?
I want to talk to my ex but I’m positive that feeling isn’t mutual. Still going to give it more time. Maybe next month.
All in all… this semester is going much better than I expected, so far.
Chase this light with me
Well I’m back at college. What a crazy Christmas break it’s been…
I’m surprised. No “I can’t believe you”’s? No “What are you thinking”’s? Seems like a lot of people didn’t even know about the breakup.
Haha, guess I’m just not as big of a deal as I thought… In a good way, that is.
Perhaps I’ve misjudged everyone…
My mother and I had somewhat of a falling out today, too, which I will discuss later. It’s good though… it needed to happen.
Cause baby I’m not all right when you go, I’m not fine
So what now? With what words does this new chapter of my life open?
I am currently in a mix of emotions. On one side, I’m not over it. I still feel terrible. I space out and sadden at thoughts of my ex. I can’t believe how much I’ve hurt this person whom I once loved. I want so badly to talk to my ex right now, just to see what’s going on, how we’re each dealing with this, and if we’re both feeling the same way right now. I want to know what we have both been up to — I know I’ve managed to keep busy, trying to keep my mind off this whole incident while I do some coping of my own… but what about my ex?
On the other side, I’m ready to move on. Granted I’ve had the chance to give this a whole lot more thought and time to let it sink in than my ex has… it feels like I’m getting over this rather quickly. One might say “Of course you are Jordan, you’re the one who ended the relationship.” My reply would be that when you’ve loved someone for over four years, no matter what the situation, it will still hurt at the end.
The bottom line is that I believe I’m doing the right thing. Though it hurts a whole lot, I believe that it’s for the best for both of us in the long run. The more time that passes between then and now, the more I think that this uneasy, unsure pain that grips my heart is simply my compassion for the heart I’ve had to break.
I do realize that believing in something doesn’t make it the truth. Perhaps I am wrong… I’d be willing to admit it if I started to see this situation from a different angle, and came to that realization. Then what would I do? Well, I’d do what’s right — try and get back together with my ex.
In any case… here I am now. Single.
It’s almost like having a birthday… I don’t feel single yet. Funny how that works.
I don’t think I’ll be dating anyone else for a while.
As for my college “friend”… Who knows. My whole life seems to change each time I go to and from that place. We’ll just have to wait and see.
…Notice how all the titles to my posts are lyrics from songs? That’s intentional.
