A torch should take care of this house of cards…
A piercing lack of sense of self pervades me today. I feel almost paranoid… trapped in this vast expanse. I believe this beast has pulled me into his hole tonight. When did he revive? When did he feed? He seems so strong… Stronger than I remember.
I must escape once again… but, there’s so much left to do here, in both worlds. This friendship I’ve drugged myself with has buried itself within my skin… I feel as though it’s become infected, feeding its toxins through these veins of mine. A part of me tells me that amputation of this infected limb is my only salvation… The other part, with whom I’ve allied myself for now, tells me I need to fight through the fever.
Both sides tell me that something must come undone. Perhaps this security I’ve built for myself over the years was false… These walls certainly seem to be closing in fast.
Am I afraid of commitment? No, not at all… It was commitment who saved me once upon a time.
I must make a decision. Lovers over friends, or friends over lovers… But the resulting fallout could be avoided by burning both bridges.
Soon this razor-wielding hand shall bear a torch instead of this razor. But tonight… tonight I need to feel.
…I saw I Am Legend tonight. Loved it.
Elver said,
December 16, 2007 at 6:05 am
I have no idea who you are, but based on what you’ve written then there’s only one piece of advice I can give you. One two-part piece of advice.
1. Cut the shit. (“Shit” being a metaphor for metaphors.)
2. Ask yourself if you love spending time alone with the guy. If yes, commit. If no, friends.
I once had a long conversation with a guy who’s been doing weddings (organizing catering, ceremonies, etc.) for the past 40 years and his observation was that falling in love is not the same as being in love. You cannot know if you love the guy until you two are together and everyday routine sets in.
If you love spending time with the guy, you’re probably in love. Commit and see if real love develops. Cannot know until you commit and routine kicks in.