Thoughts like sand, sifting through a child’s hands
December 13, 2007 at 8:42 pm (The Present: Chapter 1) (christmas, communication, disappointment, friends, gauze, jobs, life, meteor showers, radiata stories, random, relationships, video games, who is jordan?)
Radiata Stories! One of my favorite games! My friend and I went out and bought it the other day. I’ve got a lot more time tonight than I thought I’d have, and my tests tomorrow aren’t going to be that difficult. So, I’m starting a new game tonight. So much fun!
I like to tease people. It’s sort of how I communicate that I like them. As you can imagine, many people don’t take this the right way and confuse my sarcasm for seriousness. Also I think it sort of wears on people from time to time, even if they know I’m just joking with them. I think I’m starting to wear on this friend of mine.
I suppose that means that it’s simply time to be especially nice! I’ve lost friends this way before, but this is one I’m determined not to lose.
Hmm, “friends”… Why does life have to be so complicated?
Tonight was unfortunate. I was excited about watching the meteor shower, but it’s far too cloudy. Wouldn’t be able to see a thing! I love meteor showers. Each meteor is like a brush stroke, painting a masterpiece.
Five days until I return home. At the beginning of the summer, I knew in my heart that something big involving my relationship was going to happen this year, whether good or bad… So far, nothing particularly good has happened.
I suppose this is it, then?
I need a job. Hopefully the hospital will be hiring. Speaking of hospitals, I bought some gauze yesterday, so…
So many random thoughts tonight.
wounded said,
December 13, 2007 at 10:06 pm
I like your paragraph where you talk about how you like to tease people…everything you said reminds me of my best friend here..if he wasnt teasing me, I would think there was something wrong…
I’m going home tomorrow so I dont know how much i will be able to read your blog…but whenever I can I’ll drop in to see how you’re doing
…
I liked reading that story about the past…I never dealt with stuff like that but it makes me see that I’m not alone…you know…I’m not the only person in this crazy world with problems…it just seems that way at times…
I know that we can get through this…cutting and everything else that goes bump in the night…we have too…there has to be a happy ending, right…gosh I dont know what I am saying…just trying to stay positive and for a person with my personality that is extremely hard…
I went to a therapist on Wednesday…it was like I was telling her about someone else’s life…it was so weird…the words held so much meaning yet I didn’t feel them all the way…like there was some disconnection…I don’t know…she asked me if I think I hear things other people don’t hear or see things other people can’t see…it was just strange…I wanted to make sure she didnt think i was crazy… so half of me was wanting to tell my story and the other half of me was trying to justify myself…
hopefully home is good for you…and for me…
I hope you find your answers Jordan…don’t give up…
twentytwo14 said,
December 14, 2007 at 1:35 am
Do you have a blog or anything at all? I’m curious about your life too.
Telling that story to other people, I often feel disconnected in a sense, too… I always try and make it seem like I wasn’t so vulnerable and pathetic then, which is what I sometimes think I was.
A therapist, you say? What did he/she have to say about your story?
I hope you have a pleasant Christmas season… Please do drop by when you get the chance. I think I’ll miss your comments.
wounded said,
December 14, 2007 at 10:03 am
So i do have a blog…it’s at http://myown18.blogspot.com. I haven’t started telling much of my story on there but I wil…umm…so when I went to the therapist it was for an intake session. She was just trying to find out my background so I can be assigned a therapist who I will see weekly in the spring. So she asked me a lot about growing up and what my chilhood was like.I told her things tht I don’t even think about anymore. Not neccesarily bad things…just things that were awkward to tell a stranger.
Like for example she asked me how many people live in my house and usually when people ask me this I just say three to make it easy on them and myself. three would be me, my mom, and my sister…but my mom is married. But the catch there is that she is so horrible to my stepdad that she routinely kicks him out, not that he ever really moved in. Because he has a house in the next town full of people(his family) that need him. But he loves her so much that he lets her walk all over him…abuse him…use him…and he comes running back when she opens the door. It’s really a horrible cycle. So when I told her this (my therapist(sounds so weird to say)) she commented that there hasn’t been real consistency in my life…I agree….I guess at first to me their fights and breakups were weird and hard to understand…no, they are still weird and hard to understand…I just numbed myself to it. I had to stop letting it affect me like everything else in my ife. Because when I let it affect me it eats me up inside,it screams for blood, it tells me that somehow the mess that my life is is all my fault…and on top of that there is no fixing it…or me for that matter…
So there is just a small part of me…
I am really hoping I will find a way to access the internet often…I told my friends that it’s going to seem like I dropped off the face of the earth…I hope not…going home is going to be even harder if I can’t talk to my friends, which includes you.
So I haven’t packed yet and my room is a mess and the last thing I want to do is to get out of bed and start putting things away…I feel like Harry when he has to pack all his things and leave Hogwarts to go back to the Dursleys…(don’t know if you’re a Harry Potter fan…but if you’re not you should be ;P) umm…anyways
Have a good Christmas too…check out my blog and drop me a comment…I’d like that…I love you, Jordan and I won’t say everything will be okay…but I really hope that it will…
wounded said,
December 14, 2007 at 10:06 am
http://myown18.blogspot.com
thought I’d write it again because I tried clicking the first one and it said error…