So embarassed to say it, but…
…The meaning of this blog is to free myself into feeling that I can be brutally honest. Right? Well… I’m going out for a quick smoke. Yes, feel free to cringe and throw dirt. I’m embarrassed to say it because I don’t “smoke” like people often imagine in their heads — I have a cigarette or two every three or four weeks, often longer. I go through about 2 packs a year.
While I’m quite aware of how bad smoking is for you, the whole experience of going out for a walk (even in the cold, like it is now) to get some solitude away from this place is incredibly refreshing to me. Today was very emotionally… trying. Two of my friends decided to have a little “intervention” dealing with me and my friend, but it was basically them drilling me with “Just admit that you’re cheating” and “This is what I think is really going on here…” Basic I’m-going-to-put-words-in-your-mouth-so-I-can-be-right kind of mentality. This also went on for the greater part of the evening, prior to the “intervention”.
Times such as these are the hardest. Since the darker days of my past, I’ll periodically go into recessions of sorts. Suddenly one day the world around me will turn shades of gray. Cynicality will veil my eyes for a while… self-worth and confidence will be beaten and thrown into their cages again for a while… I won’t be able to look people in the eye for a while…
My heart beats in despair, for tomorrow the sun may not rise to these veiled eyes.
What are you doing to fix yourself, Jordan?
