The face that awaits when I close my eyes
December 10, 2007 at 2:10 am (The Present: Chapter 1) (blood, control, cutting, depression, doubt, fear, good, incompetence, rationality, relationships, studying, voices in my head)
The voice has returned. It says it wants to help me… I don’t believe it. But is this really the same voice? Or perhaps I’ve taken it’s old place and this voice I’m hearing now is the voice of what’s good in me? It’s telling me I’m childish for doing this to myself. I think it might be right. I told it to help me find out why I’m feeling this way, so we can fix it.
So far it hasn’t helped very much.
I was scared tonight. Apparently I’m getting better with this blade. A tinge of fear gripped me as I saw my skin part beneath its edge, showing me deeper than I’ve seen yet. “Perhaps I’ve gone too far,” I said in a moment of fear. But that’s what this is about, isn’t it? Proving to yourself that you’re not scared, and that you’re in control? Damn. Still not doing this right, are you Jordan?
I think I’m wrong. Perhaps this is a good thing. Perhaps this is rationality returning to me… Maybe I’ve found a room in these ruins that light can penetrate? How long can I stay here?
It keeps dripping onto this desk in front of me… Funny, I thought blood was more transparent than that. It’s time to clean this up though…
I think I’m going to need to buy some gauze.
…I’m not sure if I can go a day without seeing this friend of mine. I decided I needed to take a walk down to a nearby gas station just for an excuse to invite this person.
I really should’ve waited until after I was done studying to do all this. Now I’m going to be up all night… What the hell’s wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself? *sigh*
