Have you passed through this night?
Well, my friend and I have certainly been seeing each other very much over the past few days. People are starting to notice, too — I can hear their comments. While they joke about it, I don’t want them to think that I might be cheating with my friend or anything. I’m trying to be completely honest throughout this… We really are just friends. But even as objective as I’m trying to remain about us, little gestures dropped like breadcrumbs seem to tell a different tale.
What is cheating though? Where does the line lie? Considering how I feel about this person, would simply wanting to spend time with them be considered such? There’s nothing suggestive being said and no moves being made. I feel like such a terrible person though… but we haven’t done anything that friends wouldn’t do. We just do these things a lot more often that most other friends.
Apart from relationships, I’m realizing that I’ve never been so confused and so in doubt of who I am and how I feel. The first time I struggled with this depression, if that’s what this truly is, at least I knew for sure what I was feeling. Since this darkness in me has returned, I smile and laugh, yet die inside while my confidence lifts me up and this anxiousness in my heart tears me down. I relax, I remain calm, I let my worries dissipate yet at the same time I’m clawing at my own skin, shrinking into my corner from some irrational fear. I need to know where this duality comes from, yet I need to simply accept it as it is and work with it.
Is this how people with personality disorders feel? Perhaps there’s something medically wrong with me? That would certainly explain a lot.
This poison is slowly creeping through my nerves, deadening the senses and tightening the airways. Seems I haven’t gotten it all out of me yet. It’s okay though… I know just the thing to help rid me of this poisoned blood. Maybe I’ll be too tired before I get to, though… I’m running on about 3.5 hours of sleep today.
So many questions, Jordan. How did you get here? Find your own answers.
