2.2.1.4

I’m having second thoughts. I knew I would, too. As I think about my relationship situation and what I’ve been planning to do, another side of me grabs hold, shakes me and says “Are you seriously going to do this? I thought you were in love?”

I thought I was too. I’m still not so sure. I’m not at the fork in the road yet, though… Not just yet. Once I’m back home I’ll be in my right mind to decide.

I hate the way I must sound… I must sound as if I’m trying to decide which brand of cereal to purchase at the supermarket. I feel as if I’m some high-school kid moving on to the next unsuspecting victim. And who will understand me if I do this? Who won’t think that I am the asshole, breaking up something beautiful for someone I just met a couple months ago? Nobody would understand. Everyone would get the wrong idea and nobody would bother to find out.

I could lie… I could say that it was my heart that was broken… but then how would I live with myself?

But this is almost something I need to do. I’ve been thinking this since before I even met this person… I’ve just been to afraid, too hopeful. This is something I’d be doing for myself.

Life, otherwise, seems to be tightening it’s grip. Finals are coming up, and I’ve been occupied by procrastination and the war-weary state of my mind, where two sides have been fighting for years, it seems. This smog is choking me… I need focus and clarity, two things I’ve found scarce in this battlefield.

I’ve also no desire to bleed tonight. Which is a good thing, I suppose.