Don’t you put me on the back burner
Still unsure… still feel like a jerk… still feel like I don’t deserve the air I’m breathing.
It hurts so much, I can’t describe it… but I still believe it’s right.
I will lie awake
It’s over.
If God’s going to tell me that I’m making a horrible mistake, now would be a great time for him to do so.
What happened? We met after work and went to Denny’s (it was the only place open this late at night). Conversation was light at first, but then we got on the topic of our relationship. I decided we had grown too far apart… Unfortunately, my feelings and my ultimate decision were not shared.
It’s funny… Just the other night I thought everything would be ok, everything would be mutual, but it was anything but that tonight. It was mature, but very emotional. I didn’t want to leave without being able to answer any questions, but there were so many things I just couldn’t explain. Guess I forgot for a while what life is really like.
This was the single hardest decision of my life… this was the one of saddest days of my life… this was one of the most important days of my life…
I almost regret it… I almost want to call and say that I’ve made a terrible mistake and that we should forget any of this ever happened, but I’m still clinging to the reasoning I’d done in my head so many times over the past few months: that this would be for the best. I just wish I could feel the same way I think.
I’ll never forget the tears that were shed in my car while driving back. Though none of them were my own, I still wish I could claim that some were. I still haven’t cried since I was 8, but tonight was the closest I’ve ever been since then, and the most I’ve ever wanted to.
*sigh* …Now all that’s left is the fallout, and all the misunderstandings and all the rumors and all the dirty looks and the people who wish to remain ignorant of my side of the story and all the friends I’ll most inevitably lose.
I guess this is what doing the right thing is really like.
…At least I don’t feel like cutting.
When darkness turns to light
Well, we talked.
Went to Panera… great place, just in general. Anyway, we discussed some huge issues… I revealed that I had been cutting myself, which was a huge leap for me. I was so scared! So we discussed that, and agreed that I needed to get help somehow or help myself. We agreed that I would call if I needed support, and I certainly will. We discussed how and why I started… I revealed basically everything concerning this habit that I’ve revealed here. As hard as it must’ve been to understand, there was a lot of positive reactions to my situation, which really helped.
After talking all about that which took up a good 45 minutes to an hour, I brought up how different we had grown. We talked all about what we want in a girl/guy, and how I needed to make sure I was secure, spiritually (That’s right, I’m Christian… albeit a very troubled one at this time :/). After talking about this for a long while — which was actually a very good discussion/conversation — we had to leave, because Panera was closing. We got out into the car and began driving back to my house… On the ride we discussed our personal differences. I basically made the point that we both need to step back and look at how each of us is changing, and try and decide whether or not we would still be changing in different directions in, say, 5 years. I said that we needed to put emotion aside and re-evaluate whether or not we were still good for each other, if the persons we had fallen in love with were still there.
And you know what happened? We both agreed. We had both been feeling the same way… I was just the first to initiate the discussion. We said that we needed to make sure that we weren’t just in this relationship out of habit, having been in it for the past 4 year, or whether or not we were truly still in love with who we had become.
Long story short, we will both be taking some time to make the one of the biggest decisions of both of our lives.
We talked after we got to my house… we walked out to the car. We kissed. We said “I love you.”‘
Now it’s time to decide if we still both know who “you” is… I thought I was sure before, though I told myself I wasn’t. Seems like I was right… I’m not sure. But it’s time to make a final decision.
I won’t be cutting tonight… I think I’m trying to quit now.
Merry Christmas!
Well Christmas has officially come and gone, and I am one Intuos3 tablet richer!
It’s a bittersweet feeling today… On one hand I’m anxious about tomorrow (not as much as I was yesterday though), and on the other I’m happy about getting this tablet. It was completely unexpected, which is rare for Christmas with my family.
Anyway, it’s time to draw!
Just a little insight will make this right
We’re going to talk on Wednesday, about a lot of things, probably. Even if I decide against breaking up, there’s much else that needs to be discussed… secrets I need to share, and perhaps some changes that need to be made.
I’m so scared… perhaps I’ve been planning on doing the wrong thing after all?
Can’t look back now, though.
It’s the best time of the year
So, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it. Yet, at least.
Having been back for a few days now, something inside me fails to see why I was planning to break off our relationship in the first place. Then again, another side of me remembers how I’ve been feeling about us since this past summer.
Maybe I’m just scared of hurting someone? Maybe I’m just scared of what everyone will think of me afterwards?
I just don’t think I’ll be happy. Though I’m in a great relationship with a great person, I’m just not sure anymore if it’s meant to be… It seems like we’ve just grown in different directions in the past couple of years, and I see no signs of us getting any more similar to each other in the future. We’re just different people now… the person I fell in love with once is simply no longer there.
This doesn’t even have anything to do with my friend from college anymore. It’s something I need to do for myself… I just wish that people would be able to understand afterwards.
We’re going to a Christmas party tomorrow (today?). It should be fun, but we’ll see what happens in the aftermath.
…Anyway, I started playing RF Online, per recommendation from several of my friends. It’s quite good, even considering the typical Korean MMORPG feel that it has. Haha, I’m not a nerd, am I?
Christmas is coming. I got a car yesterday! A green 2000 Grand Am, for $1500 at a car auction. I’m just wondering what’s wrong with it… trying not to get my hopes up too high. I’m going to pick it up on Wednesday… From what I was able to check out myself, it seems like it’s in pretty good condition. Now all I need is that job at the hospital this coming semester so I can pay for the insurance…
Bad Company – Seagull
Seagull, you fly across the horizon
Into the misty morning sun.
Nobody asks you where you are going,
Nobody knows where you’re from.
Here is a man asking the question
Is this really the end of the world?
Seagull, you must have known for a long time
The shape of things to come.
Now you fly, through the sky, never asking why,
And you fly all around ’til somebody, Shoots you down.
Da da da da da da da down.
Mm mm mm mm, mm mm.
Seagull, you fly, across the horizon,
Into the misty morning sun.
Nobody asks you where you are going,
Nobody knows where you are from,
Now you fly through the sky, never asking why,
And you fly all around ’til somebody, yeah,
Shoots you down. Mm mm, yeah.
Seagull you fly, seagull you fly away.
And you fly away today
And you fly away tomorrow
And you fly away, leave me to
my sorrow.
Mm, mm, mm.
Seagull go and fly, mm, mm, mm,
Fly to your tomorrow, leave me to my sorrow, fly.
I thought the entire Friday Night Lights soundtrack was by Explosions in the Sky for the longest time… I guess this song and 2 others aren’t!
Anesthetics prior to the first incision
Is it wrong to hate myself for what I feel I need to do?
On one hand, I absolutely, totally, completely, and with everything within me, hate the way this is going to hurt my SO. I hate it. But, I can’t bear the thought of us staying together simply because I didn’t have the guts to do something that I felt was right for myself. This would make for an unhappy life.
It’s good to be back, though. I’ve been trying to take it easy for the past couple days… Oh, good news! My diet’s over, too, as of Tuesday. Why was I dieting, you ask? Well, not because I’m fat… not by a long shot. Anyone would say I was just right. However, I have a certain body type in mind and I’m simply not there yet. I’m close, but not quite there. I just had to drop my body fat percentage a few points, and now I’ve got to hit the gym and start exercising. It’s a nice two-phase program I’ve developed for myself. I could’ve tried to exercise and lose weight at the same time, but that would’ve sapped me of precious energy and time needed for things like studying and retaining consciousness during everyday activities.
Too bad I won’t say how much I lost, though. That would be revealing just a little more about myself than I’m comfortable with… in an indirect way, at least.
I must be bipolar… I’m happy about so many things, yet some things just seem to be causing me so much pain still. As I’ve said, I remember why I wanted to go so far away in the first place… I hate being back around some of these same people. But there are also several I’ve been eager to see, like my brother. Though we’ve been at each other’s throats for most of our lives, several big things happened between us and now he’s one of my best friends. It’s wonderful, actually…
And then there are my parents. Though they don’t fight as much anymore, their attitudes towards me and my brother haven’t changed one bit.
…I think I might cut tonight.
But why? I almost feel fine… almost. It’s as if this cut I’m about to make is the one step between me and “fine” tonight.
It’s too bad, though. It’s been almost a week since the last time. Perhaps I’m bipolar? What’s driving me to do this?
Do you ever feel cursed?
Well, I’ll be on the second leg of my flight home in just about 48 hours. Though I have expectations as to what will occur over the break, I’m trying to clear them out of my head. I’m in no situation to make big relationship decisions right now.
Right… Just going to play things out by ear. Perhaps I’ll have a total change of heart… though with as much thought and time as I’ve given this decision to break things off, it would certainly take a lot. There’s a chance I could just be feeling this way because we’ve been apart for so long… But most of what I’m feeling has been with me for almost the entire year now. This certainly isn’t just a fleeting thought.
Nevertheless, I’ll wait until I feel the time is right. Decisions like this shouldn’t be made otherwise.
*sigh* Two finals left…
